Hollywood: Celebrity Meltdowns & Outbursts
By Tim Parks
Let’s face it, life in Hollywood doesn’t equate stability and it certainly doesn’t foster a normal lifestyle, whatever that is. That’s why there are so many celebrities that collectively lose their brown expletive, time and time again.
Some even, gasp, deign to not embrace the homosexual lifestyle. Yeah, I’m kickin’ it old school with that word, but it makes me smile. Speaking of words, with the advent of Twitter celebrities have a whole new avenue to freak out with – that is unless someone is following Bobby Brown, then all bets are off on anyone caring.
Let’s take a gander at those who have melted down like so much ice in hell, plus the ones who will burn there for nixing the gay agenda with their literal outbursts.
Pass the Cocoa Puffs, please!
In September, Green Day front man Billie Joe Armstrong treated audiences at the iHeart Radio Music Festival in Las Vegas to a profanity laced tirade when his band was given the one-minute warning to wrap it up. The nerve!
Well Armstrong apparently thought that, but forwent the conclusion that he needed a spanking and a nap – or at the very least to go stand in the shame circle. Instead, he used the spotlight to deliver this message to the organizers of the festival and subsequently ended up in rehab.
Since I am not a potty mouth, how about we do a Mad Lib using substitute words for his naughty ones?
“You’re going to give me one (noun) minute? You’ve got to be (verb) kidding me? It’s a (adjective) joke!
“Let me show you what one (noun) minute (adverb) means!”
OK, here’s what I got: god**amn, fu**ing, stinky bu**hole, c**k, gaily.
Oops, I think I misunderstood the assignment.
Even Batman himself has thrown a hissy fit! Christian Bale went off like so much premature ejaculation with his fully loaded tirade on the set of Terminator Salvation ,which became an internet sensation after the audio clip was leaked.
Let’s just say he dropped his fair share of F bombs on the film’s photography director for interrupting his concentration while tackling the role of John Connor. Hmm, that’s queer…perhaps that would have been more in line with his portrayal of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. I’m just sayin’.
Joaquin Phoenix seemed to be an actor on the verge of a nervous breakdown, which was chronicled in the 2010 documentary I’m Still Here – no, Pedro Almodovar did not direct it. Rather it chronicled the thespian’s desire to retire from acting and take up rapping. I have a good rapper name for him…MC WTF?
Alec Baldwin’s chances of winning Father of the Year are slim, just like his old physique. He left a messages on his daughter’s voice mail that was more appropriate if he had sired Miss Piggy, as he referred to her as a “little pig” when she didn’t return his phone calls.
Even actresses get into meltdown mode. One case in point is Heather Locklear. The former Melrose Place star began her steady decline in 2009 when she pleaded no contest to reckless driving , after she was arrested for driving under the influence of prescription drugs – is that considered a PUI?
This past January she was rushed to the hospital after taking a combination of the aforementioned prescribed by doctor pills and alcohol. Let’s just hope that Dr. Michael Mancini was not her attending physician.
Also in January, Demi Moore is said to have unraveled like a faulty Kabbalah string after her marriage to Ashton Kutcher went kaput. The Ghost actress was hospitalized for “exhaustion” and also ended up in rehab for a bad trip on whip-its. – that is so gangster.
Keeping up with Lindsay Lohan’s many ups and mostly downs is akin watching a tennis match with her back and forth behavior. In the past few months alone she has been accused of stealing $15,000 worth of clothes, and had hit-and-run charges dropped for nearly running over a pedestrian in September. However, she may be looking at jail time for lying to police about running into an 18-wheeler on PCH in June. She must have gone to the same driving school as Amanda Bynes.
Speaking of…the Hairspray actress has racked up a laundry list of bizarre behavior including allegedly wandering around a tanning salon buck nekkid, has an ever-popular DUI allegation, two hit-and-run charges and counts of driving with a suspended license. Look for her to team up with Corey Feldman for the straight-to-DVD effort Suspended License To Drive.
You actually have to give it up to Charlie Sheen; the actor has bested cocaine problems and links to Heidi Fleiss’ hookers in the ’90s. He even overcame his 2011 signature phrase of “Winning. Duh,” by finding gainful employment on Anger Management. Too bad the same can’t be said of his Violent Torpedo of Truth concert that went down faster than a girl on prom night.
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