Hollywood: Celebrity Meltdowns & Outbursts

Hollywood: Celebrity Meltdowns & Outbursts
By Tim Parks

nuclear_meltdown

Let’s face it, life in Hollywood doesn’t equate stability and it certainly doesn’t foster a normal lifestyle, whatever that is. That’s why there are so many celebrities that collectively lose their brown expletive, time and time again.
Some even, gasp, deign to not embrace the homosexual lifestyle. Yeah, I’m kickin’ it old school with that word, but it makes me smile. Speaking of words, with  the advent of  Twitter celebrities have a whole new avenue to freak out with – that is unless someone is following  Bobby Brown, then all bets are off on anyone caring.
Let’s take a gander at those who have melted down like so much ice in hell, plus the ones who will burn there for nixing the gay agenda with their literal outbursts.
Pass the Cocoa Puffs, please!

billie-joe-armstrongIn September, Green Day front man Billie Joe Armstrong treated audiences at the iHeart Radio Music Festival in Las Vegas to a profanity laced tirade when his band was given the one-minute warning to wrap it up. The nerve!
Well Armstrong apparently thought that, but forwent the conclusion that he needed a spanking and a nap – or at the very least to go stand in the shame circle. Instead, he used the spotlight to deliver this message to the organizers of the festival and subsequently ended up in rehab.
Since I am not a potty mouth, how about we do a Mad Lib using substitute words for his naughty ones?
“You’re going to give me one (noun) minute? You’ve got to be (verb) kidding me? It’s a (adjective) joke!
“Let me show you what one (noun) minute (adverb) means!”
OK, here’s what I got: god**amn,  fu**ing, stinky bu**hole, c**k, gaily.
Oops, I think I misunderstood the assignment.
Even Batman himself has thrown a hissy fit! Christian Bale went off like so much premature ejaculation with his fully loaded tirade on the set of Terminator Salvation ,which became an internet sensation after the audio clip was leaked.

ChristianBalePA080311Let’s just say he dropped his fair share of F bombs on the film’s photography director for interrupting his concentration while tackling the role of John Connor. Hmm, that’s queer…perhaps that would have been more in line with his portrayal of Patrick Bateman in American Psycho. I’m just sayin’.
Joaquin Phoenix seemed to be an actor on the verge of a nervous breakdown, which was chronicled in the 2010 documentary I’m Still Here – no, Pedro Almodovar did not direct it. Rather it chronicled the thespian’s desire to retire from acting and take up rapping. I have a  good rapper name for him…MC WTF?
Alec Baldwin’s chances of winning Father of the Year are slim, just like his old physique. He left a messages on his daughter’s voice mail that was more appropriate if he had sired Miss Piggy, as he referred to her as a “little pig” when she didn’t return his phone calls.
Even actresses get into meltdown mode. One case in point is Heather Locklear. The former Melrose Place  star began her steady decline in 2009 when she pleaded no contest to reckless driving , after she was arrested for driving under the influence of prescription drugs – is that considered a PUI?

heather-locklear-arrested
This past January she was rushed to the hospital after taking a combination of the aforementioned prescribed by doctor pills and alcohol. Let’s just hope that Dr. Michael Mancini was not her attending physician.
Also in January, Demi Moore is said to have unraveled like a faulty Kabbalah string after her marriage to Ashton Kutcher went kaput. The Ghost  actress was hospitalized for “exhaustion” and also ended up in rehab for a bad trip on whip-its. – that is so gangster.
Keeping up with Lindsay Lohan’s many ups and mostly downs is akin watching a tennis match with her back and forth behavior. In the past few months alone she has been accused of stealing $15,000 worth of clothes, and had hit-and-run charges dropped for nearly running over a pedestrian in September. However, she may be looking at jail time for lying to police about running into an 18-wheeler on PCH in June. She must have gone to the same driving school as Amanda Bynes.

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Speaking of…the Hairspray actress has racked up a laundry list of bizarre behavior including allegedly wandering around a tanning salon buck nekkid, has an ever-popular DUI allegation, two hit-and-run charges and counts of driving with a suspended license. Look for her to team up with Corey Feldman for the straight-to-DVD effort Suspended License To Drive.

Duck-Sauce-Charlie-Sheen-Spinstyles-Bi-Winning-EditYou actually have to give it up to Charlie Sheen; the actor has bested cocaine problems and  links to Heidi Fleiss’ hookers in the ’90s. He even overcame his 2011 signature phrase of “Winning. Duh,” by finding gainful employment on Anger Management. Too bad the same can’t be said of his Violent Torpedo of Truth concert that went down faster than a girl on prom night.

To read the rest, please log onto http://www.ragemonthly.com

Gaywatch: Holiday Queer Cheer

Gaywatch: Holiday Queer Cheer
By Tim Parks


It’s that time of year again, when our attention turns to how homo-worthy some past yuletide specials have been. Well, at least mine does.
Yes, we have been made aware that if Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, and his sidekick Hermie the Elf were super gay. Or that A Year Without a Santa Claus’ two brothers, Heat Miser and Snow Miser, are big ole musical theatre queens. It may come as no surprise that the word for the day on Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special should have been expanded to a full sentence, as in “bend over and take all that gay in!” Aaah! Now for the rest of the day whenever anyone says the secret phrase – which you know you will undoubtedly hear at some point this Holiday season – just scream real loud…into a pillow.


Ok, with those known facts that I have taken my own brand of liberties to…may I present to you some ideas for new and wonderful specials, with that Gaywatch touch, that have been kicking around my egg-noggin? Oh really, does creativity frighten you? Put it on your wish list of things to ask Santa for, and quit your griping already!

Variety is the spice of life
Every once in awhile we are, well, I guess “treated” could be the right word to use in conjunction to some of the rather interesting choices that have sprung up as variety specials, like The Star Wars Holiday Special, or A Solid Gold Christmas 1982…let the spandex and Christmas spirit fingers commence.


And just this past Turkey Day there was A Very Gaga Thanksgiving. Yes, when I think of that holiday, my mind naturally turns to Gaga, if only to wonder if she had made a dress out of her leftovers.

Anyhoo, check your local made-up listings for this sure-to-please special, Ricky Martin: The Fortunate Homosexual Man, which takes its inspiration from The Little Drummer Boy, but has the Latin crooner trying to make Christmas miracle believers out of a group of disheartened drag queens.
When he sings “come they told me, shake your bon bon. Shall I sing for him, shake your bon bon bon bon bon” you will believe that a Fortunate Homosexual Man can fly, err, polarize a community with his Holiday spirit. Tear. Sniffle.


The Real Housewives: Holidays on Spite is a first for Bravo, and no, that’s not because they have decided not to rerun the hell out of it, ok? Rather this one-hour special will feature every current R.H. and harkens back to the days of roller derby, but there’s one slight change…they will pull wigs, call names and cackle like hens at each other on the ice. But there is no face smashing, especially for the ladies of Beverly Hills. There’s so much filler and botox in their mugs, perhaps they wouldn’t even feel it, well, they would if one of them gets tackled by Atlanta’s NeNe Leakes.

 

CBS’ Oy Gay may be hosted by its two openly gay actors, Neil Patrick Harris and Jim Parsons, but the real stars of the show are Adam Lambert and Harvey Fierstein who sing Stephen Sondheim tunes that receive musical accompaniment by Dave Koz; while their sketches about those 8 days and nights are written by Bruce Vilanch with directors Todd Haynes and Brian Singer handling the filming. Yes, they are all Jewish, its called reading and it’s fundamental!
Not to be outdone, Fox will be airing A Hanukkah Bush With All The Trimmings starring the sapph-tastic Sandra Bernhard.

Reunited and it feels so good

 

Much like the awe-inspiring A Very Brady Christmas that aired in 1988, a former TV favorite is coming back to the tube for an one-off telepic.
Why its Queer As Folk: Don We Now Our Assless Chaps, which has the boys back for more good times, and explaining the meaning of Christmas, in the back room of their new leather bar hangout, Crisco Dan’s.

Animation Domination

Two of Tinsel Town’s most troubled souls, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, are finding gainful employment with an animated flair.
First up is The Playboy Channel’s first ever cartoon venture, wistfully titled Charlie Sheen’s Winter Wonderland that follows a Christmas day in the life of ole Chuckles, as he and his goddesses do mass amounts of cocaine, and maybe he’ll get into a knife fight with ex Brooke Mueller. Good times.

Over on Public Access Cable, Lindsay will capitalize of her two big 2011 ventures, failure and disappointment, with I’ll Be Under House Arrest For Christmas. The beleaguered “actress” – you have to be in a movie to be that – will be transformed into a claymation version of herself (think Gollum from Lord of the Rings) and will attempt to hawk herself to the highest bidder; like that Beezid.com commercial she did during her earlier house arrest this year. This time around special guests such as her dad and Samantha Ronson, drop by – the latter to serve her with a restraining order. Sponsored in part by Clamato.

I’ll Take CD’s and Songs For $100

Seeing as Justin Bieber is capitalizing on his teen idol popularity with his Xmas album (tick tock, those 15 minutes have got to be almost up, right?), a number of artists who appeal to that particular demographic and gay men alike – sure, those are wholly separate things – are peopling iTunes with their own brand of holiday cheer.

There’s Katy Perry: Back To Bethlehem, on which the “The One That Got Away” singer goes back to her Christian Rock roots and real last name of Hudson, and belts out the album’s biggest hit, her rendition of the Tammy Wynette classic, “Let’s Put Christ Back In Christmas.”

NKOTBBSBNSBNWJT is a boy band extraordinaire venture of combining New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys and ’N Sync But Not With Justin Timberlake as they represent, via song, all of the December Holidays with their hit single, “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmaskkahzaa.”

The Stockings Were Hung features your favorite well-endowed porn stars of the past and present, from Jeff Stryker to Michael Lucas, as they do their own spoken word poems set to porn music composed by Barry Manilow. This total package deal – really, you didn’t see that one coming – includes a DVD, and a pop up book.

Cut. Print. That’s A Wrap!

Wow, you really can’t take me anywhere, and yes, I’ll probably burn in Hell for putting these visions of sugar plum, uh, fairies in your head. And I am sure that Barbra Streisand’s version of “Jingle Bells” will be playing on an endless loop there, much to my horror. What, is my gay card on fire? Nope, the heat I feel is from the seventh layer reaching out to me. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.

 

Hollywood: And the Oscar goes to…

Hollywood: And the Oscar goes to…

By Tim Parks

Get up-to-date on which actresses/actors are going  to be saying, “It’s just an honor to be nominated,” and the other ones that should be prepping their “Thank You’s,” as this month’s “Hollywood” takes a look at The Oscar Race.

Check it out at www.ragemonthly.com on pages 34-35.