Gaywatch: Stop, Look and Listen

Gaywatch: Stop, Look and Listen 

     

By Tim Parks 

 When Elvis Presley sang the song, Stop, Look and Listen back in the day, I wonder if he had any idea of the multi-media connotations it would hold some 41 years later. It seems like there are always a slew of things to watch on TV (some of those being shows to avoid like the plague), and an earful of new music to make note of every single day.

Please allow me to bring you up to speed on what is what, as far as things to keep an eye and ear out for.

                                                            Stop

Looks like “American Idol’s” slurring sweetheart, Paula Abdul, may be getting her own reality show on Bravo entitled, “Hey Paula.” The show promises to “give viewers an intimate glimpse at the real woman behind the headlines.” So that automatically makes my mind jump to the conclusion that it will be endless shots of Abdul performing plays with an array of empty pill bottles, while sitting in front of  her dressing room mirror at 2 am in tears. Note to Paula, while this may seem like a good idea on paper, the reality of it could do more harm than good. Straight up!

 Ok, the next show I am on the fence about. “Flavor of Love Girls: Charm School” definitely has some entertaining moments, and could be likened to “The Facts of Life Goes Ghetto” (there’s even a Blair look-a-like, prissy and insane “Hottie,” who has the worst blonde weave ever!), and host Mo’Nique fills the Mrs. Garrett role quite nicely. Alas, this is the fourth “Flavor of Love” incarnation, five if you want to count “Strange Love” (a very sure sign of The Apocalypse, if ever there was one). C’mon, VH-1, come up with something original, you know like playing music videos – and please, no third season of “Breaking Bonaduce!”

 Another VH-1 show that needs a makeover is “Celebrity Fit Club.” The latest edition will feature Maureen (Marcia Brady) McCormack, Dustin (Screech) Diamond, ex Mall Queen Tiffany, Ross “The Intern” from “The Tonight Show”, female rapper Da Brat and a few others. Sure, some of the contestants look a little “thicker” for lack of a better word, and it does beg the question is Tiffany now singing “I Think We’re Alone Now” to a can of whipped cream? But the participants don’t appear to be grotesquely overweight (all Da Brat needs to lose is her attitude – for reals), and it really brings into play the whole perception of what is acceptable weight-wise in Hollywood. Perhaps, VH-1 should take the opposite tack and do a show where wafer thin starlets are force fed ham sandwiches! Airs Sundays at 9.

 Tori Spelling’s first attempt at spoofing her celebrity, “So NoTORIous,” was a wee bit of a guilty pleasure. Her new reality show with hubby Dean McDermott, “Tori and Dean: Inn Love” kinda sucks, and not in a good way. Do we really need to hear about Tori’s flatulence while preggers? A show I’d like to see is Tori and her mom, Candy, fighting it out ala Thunderdome over the late Aaron Spelling’s mega millions – two women enter, one woman leaves…loaded!

I really wish that “Inside The Actor’s Studio” would stop scraping the bottom of the acting barrel, as was clearly evident when Diana Ross was the guest on a recent two-hour episode! Granted, she had success as an actress in the 1970’s, but creepy host James Lipton had his head so far up Miss Ross’ ass, it was downright embarrassing. Maybe that could account for his bad hair and beard dye job! Hmm…

                                                 Look    

  Bravo TV continues to out gay other networks, and a case in point has to be their newest competition show, “Shear Genius,” in which creative hairdresser contestants go scissor-to-scissor with each other. The show is hosted by former “Charlie’s Angel” Jaclyn Smith; and I truly hope that somebody on that show gets the exact details of her pact with the devil, as she still looks gorgeous (see, I can be nice). Airs Wednesdays at 10. Speaking of “Charlie’s Angels,” there may be a reunion movie in the works for the three original “Angels,” and I will keep you posted, of course.

Another Bravo show will be entering its third season when “Kathy Griffin: My Life On The D-List” returns on June 5^th. This time around the celebrity bashin’ comedienne will go on a prison comedy tour, attend her high school reunion, and hosts the recent Gay Adult Video Awards, where the competition can get pretty stiff!

Jackie Warner and her pump you up pals are back for another season of “Work Out.” Too bad they aren’t calling the show “Work Out 2: Electric Boogaloo,” as I am thoroughly convinced any type of sequel should be followed by the subtitle “Electric Boogaloo” or “The Quickening.” Airs Tuesdays at 10.

 Over on LOGO, there are two new tres gay shows starting up. “The Big Gay Sketch Show” is being likened to straight counterparts, such as “Saturday Night Live” and “Mad TV.” Well, I hope that means it will be funny, because the other two haven’t been lately. Anyhoo, the show stars a lot of fresh gay and lesbian faces (and even “Gay Pimp” Jonny McGovern), and a few behind-the-scenes ones you may be familiar with like, director Amanda Bearse (“Married With Children”) and executive producer, Rosie O’Donnell. Airs Tuesdays at 10.

 In July, audiences will be treated to the first all gay animated series, “Rick & Steve The Happiest Gay Couple In All The World,” which is based on the 1999 short film that featured LEGO actors spewing very non PC dialogue. I am so there!

  For you insomniacs, if you happen to be channel surfing at four in the morning, try to look for an infomercial about a penis enlargement product called Extenz. It is pure comedy gold, and probably the fakest infomercial ever, especially when a “roving reporter” (AKA some girl that didn’t wow them at a porn audition) hits the streets to ask everyday folks about Extenz; every single guy has (a) heard about it and (b) is currently taking the pill. The best part of the infomercial is its fake talk show segment, “Sex Talk,” where one woman extols the virtues of Extenz by saying, “It’s always Christmas at our house.” Talk about male enhancement! 

                                                            Listen

  By now you may be familiar with Amy Winehouse, the singer who has been described as “a Ronette from Hell,” and has been making the rounds promoting her CD Back To Black. And, if you haven’t heard of her, you should, as she is one of the most refreshingly original chanteuse’s around in the cookie cutter world of pop music.

  What is it about some female singers that make them shed their respectable personas in favor for a Hoochie Mama look? Jewel did it, so did Nelly Furtado, and now its Joss Stone’s turn, as the singer has said bye bye credibility and hello hot pants! Her newest CD, Introducing Joss Stone is a far cry from her hippie incarnation of the past, and I understand an artist’s need to grow – is that why their clothes shrink in the process?

 Ivory tickler Rufus Wainwright will have a new CD out on May 15^th. His fifth studio album (yes, I said album) is called Release The Stars, and is executive produced by The Pet Shop Boys.

 Synth poppers Erasure are back with a new CD, entitled Light At The End Of The World, dropping May 22nd. Look for them on tour this summer with Debbie Harry and Cyndi Lauper as part of The True Colors Tour set to hit SD on June 27th.

 It appears as though Hilary Duff is on the verge of becoming somewhat of a diva-ette with her new dance CD, Dignity, and the first single With Love is so infectious it ought to come with a shot of penicillin. 

 Kelly Clarkson’s latest disc, My December, is slated for a summer release and the song Never Again will be its first single.

 For all you show tune aficionados, four Stephen Sondheim musicals, including Sweeney Todd and Into The Woods have been re-released and digitally remastered.

File this one under something to look forward to…Madonna will have a new CD out later this year (most likely in November), and she will be working some wood on this disc. No, not that kind! She has recruited Timbaland and Justin Timberlake to assist her in the song writing arena.   

                                    Cut.Print.That’s A Wrap!

 So there was your look at some TV trends that need to be stopped, some hows worth a looksie, and music for your listening pleasure. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.

This column was originally publsihed in April 2007

Hollywood: The Top 8 Celebrity Train Wrecks of 2008.

Hollywood: The Top 8 Celebrity Train Wrecks of 2008.

By Tim Parks 

C’mon admit it…there’s a perverse fascination surrounding train wrecks of the celebrity variety.

While some of the objects left on the tracks that sadly derail these stars often involve discarded drug paraphernalia, emotional baggage and unscheduled whistle stops to rehab; there is something admittedly interesting about these falls from grace of those who seem to have it all.

2008 wasn’t the wild train ride it has been in years past, with nary a female celeb flashing her hoo-ha for the paparazzi, but there were stand out train wreck moments.

And some people who would usually top the list were conspicuously absent this year, such as Paris and Lindsay. Let’s take a looksie at who made the cut, shall we?  

#8 Britney Spears

What a difference a year makes! Britney may be starting out 2009 back on top, but at this time last year, she was at the psych ward at Cedars Sinai on a 5150 hold – that’s a technical term regarding being cuckoo for Cocoa Puffs, AKA being a danger to herself or others.

Funny, her disastrous VMA performance was in September of ’07 – seems she would have been a bigger threat then.

Anyhoo, then Brit Brit found herself checking into UCLA Medical Center by month’s end, apparently Cedars Sinai was sooo beginning-of-the-month-passé.

Her manager, Sam Lufti, was fired amidst allegations of drugging the pop princess (girl, those weren’t Flintstones chewable vitamins!), replaced by former manager, Larry Rudolph, the man who helped launch her career. Her father, Jamie Spears, was granted conservertorship of her business affairs.

I guess Chris Crocker was right – we should have left Britney alone! Go figure!   

#7 Sharon Stone

While Sharon Stone’s career is becoming more like wishful thinking with each passing moment (her last hit flick was 13 years ago), she did manage to get some press this year. But, that was not a good thing!

When asked by the press about the devastating earthquake in China last May, Stone chalked it up to karma for the Chinese treatment of the Tibetans, while name dropping her friendship with the Dalai Lama. I bet a certain Lama is screening her phone calls, and I still wonder why anyone would talk to her, let alone in a red carpet setting.

Then, she accused Diddy of spending his money on crack at an amfAR AIDS benefit. Glass houses, Ms. Stone, glass houses! At least he’s not trying to Botox his child’s feet to control foot odor. Maybe she should try that on her own feet, as Stone definitely suffers from foot-in-mouth disease. 

#6 David Duchovny

The “Californication” star’s world took on a life-imitating-art aspect as he professed to researching his sex addict role off the set with online porn, which led to he and wife Tea Leoni separating for a spell. Is that a possible Emmy I smell, or just a stockpile of discarded tissues in Duchovny’s trash can?

#5 Naomi Campbell

Known for notoriously throwing cell phones, Campbell only threw a fit at London’s Heathrow Airport over lost luggage (guess her cell phone was in there, otherwise, she would have reached out and hit someone with it). She was arrested for allegedly assaulting a police officer during the incident.

Three words apply here: Anger. Management. Classes.

#4 Kanye West

The oh-so-humble Kanye was also arrested at an airport. No, there wasn’t foot tapping in a bathroom stall involved, rather West put the smack down on two paparazzi at LAX. Then, he was arrested in England for…getting into an altercation with a (it’s on the tip of my tongue) paparazzi. Way to branch out there, Kanye! 

#3 George Michael

Another bathroom arrest for George Michael? Really, that’s so 1998, and if you want us to forget about that particular incident, then stop getting arrested in bathrooms! I guess the upswing is it was only for Class A and C drugs – he was thought to be holding crack, which is ironic given the surroundings of his arrest.   

#2 Tara Reid

While she’s still HUGE in Dubai, Reid’s career in the States has become

as stalled as the economy. It’s so bad that Reid had an online petition sent to the makers of the Nightmare on Elm Street remake, essentially begging for a part in the film! Maybe they’ll throw her a bone and cast her botched tummy tuck as one of Freddy’s victims. Remember Tara, beggars can’t be choosers! 

#1 Amy Winehouse  

Here’s hoping that the five Grammy awards Winehouse won in February don’t get ground down to actual grams for the beleaguered singer – otherwise her career achievements may go right up her nose!

As it stands, her career could vanish in a puff of crack pipe smoke.

If she’s only an occasional user (if the occasion is the day ending with y), then what’s up with the early signs of emphysema, the fisticuffs (including one with her own bodyguard), going into rehab, the many hospital stays, and cutting off her signature beehive hairdo this year?     

Hopefully, she can literally get her act together for 2009.

This article was first published in Janury 2009.  

Cut.Print.That’s A Wrap!

While it’s easy enough to take potshots at these celebs, we still have to remember we all share the same human frailties. Hey! I almost believed that for a minute. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print!