Hollywood: Celebrity April Fool’s Predictions
By Tim Parks
We are already balls deep into 2013, with the month associated with being an April Fool already upon us like proverbial flies on brown expletive. There has already been a wealth of celebrity news, some of it is already fool worthy without me having to put fingers to keyboard, while others definitely warrant a bit of the Hollywood touch.
So, it is in that vein that I will put on my turban at a jaunty tilt, bust out the crystal ball – don’t get all excited tweekers, it isn’t of the 8 ball variety – and gaze sarcastically into it to predict the fate of certain celebrities and the like.
The Cult of Celebrity
With the battle cry of “I’m not a serial dater,” Taylor Swift will continue to fight against that perception, and warranted jabs from Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, by tying the knot with a non-Hollywood type beau. The two will meet while Swift makes a concert tour pit stop in Salt Lake City, Utah, where, because of her tall stature, she spies Mordecai Young – a distant relation to Brigham Young – sitting in the cheap seats and is instantly smitten.
After a whirlwind courtship, which in Swift time equates ten days, the couple weds in grand fashion in the Mormon state. What also happens in the days and weeks following her honeymoon will be gristle for the tabloids for months to come. It seems that Young isn’t the only husband Swift took in Utah, as she is linked to four other men as being their Mrs.
She issues a public statement that it “must have been something in the Utah air,” but it does little to save her tarnished public image. Her song addressing the topic, Polygamy Ain’t Bigamy, will be her lowest-selling single ever.
Another singer, Justin Bieber, has been displaying signs of strange behavior as of late. He was two hours late for a performance at London’s O2 venue, and those Brits really got their knickers in a bunch about his tardiness, with shouts of “pip pip and all that rot“ reverberating throughout the stadium. At another show there, he walked off stage midway through to receive oxygen and treatment backstage. He ended up in the hospital later that night and tweeted shirtless pics of himself.
He and what will be left of his fans will cite exhaustion for his early retirement from the business of show later in the year. But, you can’t keep a good man child down! He will adopt a new moniker, Muffy Diver, and stage his comeback as the lead singer of the all-lesbian folk rock band Clambake. Ironically, the joke about him looking like a lesbian will be retired.
Also in music news, get ready for the gayest concert ever when Liza Minnelli and Lady Gaga perform together on “ The Hip Replacement Tour.”
Arguably, one of the biggest celebrity events that will transpire this year is the birth of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s baby. Well, the blessed event won’t go without its fair share of drama with a capital D. First, the folks at E! and the show’s executive producer, Ryan Seacrest, will demand that the birth be televised as a live special called “Kim’s Crowning Achievement.”
Then her dimwitted ex, Kris Humphries, will demand a paternity test be performed on the newborn baby girl named Kateshia and it’s off to Maury, even though the two hadn’t had relations for quite some time. It will be revealed by Maury that Kanye is the baby’s father and Kim set up the stunt for a little extra publicity. What? That’s insane!
Speaking of craziness, Charlie Sheen will continue to mentor Lindsay Lohan…really, that joke just writes itself with nary a punch line needed.
I’ll Take TV and Movies for $200, Alex
Gay TV wunderkind Ryan Murphy recently teased that the third installment of American Horror Story may involve a plotline focusing on the Salem witch trials. And with the revelation that the new season will feature Kathy Bates and that the subtitle will be Coven, it seems that is the direction that Murphy is heading. But when the show’s real title, Hybrid, is revealed and details begin to emerge that it was all a clever ruse after a script is leaked online, and the gist of the new season will be exposed.
It seems that cast members from his other TV hit Glee will be cross pollinating with Jessica Lange and the gang. And the events of AHS will dictate what will transpire at McKinley High, such as a time travel storyline that sends all of the new characters from this current season to the future , where they are never heard from again. Cough, cough, they are ruining the show, I’m just sayin’.
The grossly underused original cast will return to populate the choir room, circa the first year of the show, while Jane Lynch and Jessica Lange will take turns playing Sue Sylvester, as well as Kathy Bates and Dot Jones switching it up as Coach Bieste.
On the big screen, our favorite celluloid whore, Channing Tatum, will concede to make only 12 movies this year as part of a film preservation campaign spearheaded by Hollywood honchos. And look for Pink and Miley Cyrus to team up for the remake of Single White Female – can you guess whose playing the psychopath that is trying to copy the other’s look? Here’s a hint: it’s not Pink.
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