Hollywood: Celebrity April Fool’s Predictions

Hollywood: Celebrity April Fool’s Predictions
By Tim Parks

We are already balls deep into 2013, with the month associated with being an April Fool already upon us like proverbial flies on brown expletive. There has already been a wealth of celebrity news, some of it is already fool worthy without me having to put fingers to keyboard, while others definitely warrant a bit of the Hollywood touch.
So, it is in that vein that I will put on my turban at a jaunty tilt, bust out the crystal ball – don’t get all excited tweekers, it isn’t of the 8 ball variety – and gaze sarcastically into it to predict the fate of certain celebrities and the like.
The Cult of Celebrity

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With the battle cry of “I’m not a serial dater,” Taylor Swift will continue to fight against that perception, and warranted jabs from Tina Fey and Amy Poehler, by tying the knot with a non-Hollywood type beau. The two will meet while Swift makes a concert tour pit stop in Salt Lake City, Utah, where, because of her tall stature, she spies Mordecai Young – a distant relation to Brigham Young – sitting in the cheap seats and is instantly smitten.
After a whirlwind courtship, which in Swift time equates ten days, the couple weds in grand fashion in the Mormon state. What also happens in the days and weeks following her honeymoon will be gristle for the tabloids for months to come. It seems that Young isn’t the only husband Swift took in Utah, as she is linked to four other men as being their Mrs.
She issues a public statement that it “must have been something in the Utah air,” but it does little to save her tarnished public image. Her song addressing the topic, Polygamy Ain’t Bigamy, will be her lowest-selling single ever.

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Another singer, Justin Bieber, has been displaying signs of strange behavior as of late. He was two hours late for a performance at London’s O2 venue, and those Brits really got their knickers in a bunch about his tardiness, with shouts of “pip pip and all that rot“ reverberating throughout the stadium. At another show there, he walked off stage midway through to receive oxygen and treatment backstage. He ended up in the hospital later that night and tweeted shirtless pics of himself.
He and what will be left of his fans will cite exhaustion for his early retirement from the business of show later in the year. But, you can’t keep a good man child down! He will adopt a new moniker, Muffy Diver, and stage his comeback as the lead singer of the all-lesbian folk rock band Clambake. Ironically, the joke about him looking like a lesbian will be retired.
Also in music news, get ready for the gayest concert ever when Liza Minnelli and Lady Gaga perform together on “ The Hip Replacement Tour.”

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Arguably, one of the biggest celebrity events that will transpire this year is the birth of Kim Kardashian and Kanye West’s baby. Well, the blessed event won’t go without its fair share of drama with a capital D. First, the folks at E! and the show’s executive producer, Ryan Seacrest, will demand that the birth be televised as a live special called “Kim’s Crowning Achievement.”
Then her dimwitted ex, Kris Humphries, will demand a paternity test be performed on the newborn baby girl named Kateshia and it’s off to Maury, even though the two hadn’t had relations for quite some time. It will be revealed by Maury that Kanye is the baby’s father and Kim set up the stunt for a little extra publicity. What? That’s insane!
Speaking of craziness, Charlie Sheen will continue to mentor Lindsay Lohan…really, that joke just writes itself with nary a punch line needed.
I’ll Take TV and Movies for $200, Alex

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Gay TV wunderkind Ryan Murphy recently teased that the third installment of American Horror Story may involve a plotline focusing on the Salem witch trials. And with the revelation that the new season will feature Kathy Bates and that the subtitle will be Coven, it seems that is the direction that Murphy is heading. But when the show’s real title, Hybrid, is revealed and details begin to emerge that it was all a clever ruse after a script is leaked online, and the gist of the new season will be exposed.
It seems that cast members from his other TV hit Glee will be cross pollinating with Jessica Lange and the gang. And the events of AHS will dictate what will transpire at McKinley High, such as a time travel storyline that sends all of the new characters from this current season to the future , where they are never heard from again. Cough, cough, they are ruining the show, I’m just sayin’.
The grossly underused original cast will return to populate the choir room, circa the first year of the show, while Jane Lynch and Jessica Lange will take turns playing Sue Sylvester, as well as Kathy Bates and Dot Jones switching it up as Coach Bieste.

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On the big screen, our favorite celluloid whore, Channing Tatum, will concede to make only 12 movies this year as part of a film preservation campaign spearheaded by Hollywood honchos. And look for Pink and Miley Cyrus to team up for the remake of Single White Female – can you guess whose playing the psychopath that is trying to copy the other’s look? Here’s a hint: it’s not Pink.

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Gaywatch: Holiday Queer Cheer

Gaywatch: Holiday Queer Cheer
By Tim Parks


It’s that time of year again, when our attention turns to how homo-worthy some past yuletide specials have been. Well, at least mine does.
Yes, we have been made aware that if Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, and his sidekick Hermie the Elf were super gay. Or that A Year Without a Santa Claus’ two brothers, Heat Miser and Snow Miser, are big ole musical theatre queens. It may come as no surprise that the word for the day on Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special should have been expanded to a full sentence, as in “bend over and take all that gay in!” Aaah! Now for the rest of the day whenever anyone says the secret phrase – which you know you will undoubtedly hear at some point this Holiday season – just scream real loud…into a pillow.


Ok, with those known facts that I have taken my own brand of liberties to…may I present to you some ideas for new and wonderful specials, with that Gaywatch touch, that have been kicking around my egg-noggin? Oh really, does creativity frighten you? Put it on your wish list of things to ask Santa for, and quit your griping already!

Variety is the spice of life
Every once in awhile we are, well, I guess “treated” could be the right word to use in conjunction to some of the rather interesting choices that have sprung up as variety specials, like The Star Wars Holiday Special, or A Solid Gold Christmas 1982…let the spandex and Christmas spirit fingers commence.


And just this past Turkey Day there was A Very Gaga Thanksgiving. Yes, when I think of that holiday, my mind naturally turns to Gaga, if only to wonder if she had made a dress out of her leftovers.

Anyhoo, check your local made-up listings for this sure-to-please special, Ricky Martin: The Fortunate Homosexual Man, which takes its inspiration from The Little Drummer Boy, but has the Latin crooner trying to make Christmas miracle believers out of a group of disheartened drag queens.
When he sings “come they told me, shake your bon bon. Shall I sing for him, shake your bon bon bon bon bon” you will believe that a Fortunate Homosexual Man can fly, err, polarize a community with his Holiday spirit. Tear. Sniffle.


The Real Housewives: Holidays on Spite is a first for Bravo, and no, that’s not because they have decided not to rerun the hell out of it, ok? Rather this one-hour special will feature every current R.H. and harkens back to the days of roller derby, but there’s one slight change…they will pull wigs, call names and cackle like hens at each other on the ice. But there is no face smashing, especially for the ladies of Beverly Hills. There’s so much filler and botox in their mugs, perhaps they wouldn’t even feel it, well, they would if one of them gets tackled by Atlanta’s NeNe Leakes.

 

CBS’ Oy Gay may be hosted by its two openly gay actors, Neil Patrick Harris and Jim Parsons, but the real stars of the show are Adam Lambert and Harvey Fierstein who sing Stephen Sondheim tunes that receive musical accompaniment by Dave Koz; while their sketches about those 8 days and nights are written by Bruce Vilanch with directors Todd Haynes and Brian Singer handling the filming. Yes, they are all Jewish, its called reading and it’s fundamental!
Not to be outdone, Fox will be airing A Hanukkah Bush With All The Trimmings starring the sapph-tastic Sandra Bernhard.

Reunited and it feels so good

 

Much like the awe-inspiring A Very Brady Christmas that aired in 1988, a former TV favorite is coming back to the tube for an one-off telepic.
Why its Queer As Folk: Don We Now Our Assless Chaps, which has the boys back for more good times, and explaining the meaning of Christmas, in the back room of their new leather bar hangout, Crisco Dan’s.

Animation Domination

Two of Tinsel Town’s most troubled souls, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, are finding gainful employment with an animated flair.
First up is The Playboy Channel’s first ever cartoon venture, wistfully titled Charlie Sheen’s Winter Wonderland that follows a Christmas day in the life of ole Chuckles, as he and his goddesses do mass amounts of cocaine, and maybe he’ll get into a knife fight with ex Brooke Mueller. Good times.

Over on Public Access Cable, Lindsay will capitalize of her two big 2011 ventures, failure and disappointment, with I’ll Be Under House Arrest For Christmas. The beleaguered “actress” – you have to be in a movie to be that – will be transformed into a claymation version of herself (think Gollum from Lord of the Rings) and will attempt to hawk herself to the highest bidder; like that Beezid.com commercial she did during her earlier house arrest this year. This time around special guests such as her dad and Samantha Ronson, drop by – the latter to serve her with a restraining order. Sponsored in part by Clamato.

I’ll Take CD’s and Songs For $100

Seeing as Justin Bieber is capitalizing on his teen idol popularity with his Xmas album (tick tock, those 15 minutes have got to be almost up, right?), a number of artists who appeal to that particular demographic and gay men alike – sure, those are wholly separate things – are peopling iTunes with their own brand of holiday cheer.

There’s Katy Perry: Back To Bethlehem, on which the “The One That Got Away” singer goes back to her Christian Rock roots and real last name of Hudson, and belts out the album’s biggest hit, her rendition of the Tammy Wynette classic, “Let’s Put Christ Back In Christmas.”

NKOTBBSBNSBNWJT is a boy band extraordinaire venture of combining New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys and ’N Sync But Not With Justin Timberlake as they represent, via song, all of the December Holidays with their hit single, “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmaskkahzaa.”

The Stockings Were Hung features your favorite well-endowed porn stars of the past and present, from Jeff Stryker to Michael Lucas, as they do their own spoken word poems set to porn music composed by Barry Manilow. This total package deal – really, you didn’t see that one coming – includes a DVD, and a pop up book.

Cut. Print. That’s A Wrap!

Wow, you really can’t take me anywhere, and yes, I’ll probably burn in Hell for putting these visions of sugar plum, uh, fairies in your head. And I am sure that Barbra Streisand’s version of “Jingle Bells” will be playing on an endless loop there, much to my horror. What, is my gay card on fire? Nope, the heat I feel is from the seventh layer reaching out to me. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.