Gaywatch: Holiday Queer Cheer

Gaywatch: Holiday Queer Cheer
By Tim Parks


It’s that time of year again, when our attention turns to how homo-worthy some past yuletide specials have been. Well, at least mine does.
Yes, we have been made aware that if Rudolph The Red Nosed Reindeer, and his sidekick Hermie the Elf were super gay. Or that A Year Without a Santa Claus’ two brothers, Heat Miser and Snow Miser, are big ole musical theatre queens. It may come as no surprise that the word for the day on Pee-Wee’s Playhouse Christmas Special should have been expanded to a full sentence, as in “bend over and take all that gay in!” Aaah! Now for the rest of the day whenever anyone says the secret phrase – which you know you will undoubtedly hear at some point this Holiday season – just scream real loud…into a pillow.


Ok, with those known facts that I have taken my own brand of liberties to…may I present to you some ideas for new and wonderful specials, with that Gaywatch touch, that have been kicking around my egg-noggin? Oh really, does creativity frighten you? Put it on your wish list of things to ask Santa for, and quit your griping already!

Variety is the spice of life
Every once in awhile we are, well, I guess “treated” could be the right word to use in conjunction to some of the rather interesting choices that have sprung up as variety specials, like The Star Wars Holiday Special, or A Solid Gold Christmas 1982…let the spandex and Christmas spirit fingers commence.


And just this past Turkey Day there was A Very Gaga Thanksgiving. Yes, when I think of that holiday, my mind naturally turns to Gaga, if only to wonder if she had made a dress out of her leftovers.

Anyhoo, check your local made-up listings for this sure-to-please special, Ricky Martin: The Fortunate Homosexual Man, which takes its inspiration from The Little Drummer Boy, but has the Latin crooner trying to make Christmas miracle believers out of a group of disheartened drag queens.
When he sings “come they told me, shake your bon bon. Shall I sing for him, shake your bon bon bon bon bon” you will believe that a Fortunate Homosexual Man can fly, err, polarize a community with his Holiday spirit. Tear. Sniffle.


The Real Housewives: Holidays on Spite is a first for Bravo, and no, that’s not because they have decided not to rerun the hell out of it, ok? Rather this one-hour special will feature every current R.H. and harkens back to the days of roller derby, but there’s one slight change…they will pull wigs, call names and cackle like hens at each other on the ice. But there is no face smashing, especially for the ladies of Beverly Hills. There’s so much filler and botox in their mugs, perhaps they wouldn’t even feel it, well, they would if one of them gets tackled by Atlanta’s NeNe Leakes.

 

CBS’ Oy Gay may be hosted by its two openly gay actors, Neil Patrick Harris and Jim Parsons, but the real stars of the show are Adam Lambert and Harvey Fierstein who sing Stephen Sondheim tunes that receive musical accompaniment by Dave Koz; while their sketches about those 8 days and nights are written by Bruce Vilanch with directors Todd Haynes and Brian Singer handling the filming. Yes, they are all Jewish, its called reading and it’s fundamental!
Not to be outdone, Fox will be airing A Hanukkah Bush With All The Trimmings starring the sapph-tastic Sandra Bernhard.

Reunited and it feels so good

 

Much like the awe-inspiring A Very Brady Christmas that aired in 1988, a former TV favorite is coming back to the tube for an one-off telepic.
Why its Queer As Folk: Don We Now Our Assless Chaps, which has the boys back for more good times, and explaining the meaning of Christmas, in the back room of their new leather bar hangout, Crisco Dan’s.

Animation Domination

Two of Tinsel Town’s most troubled souls, Charlie Sheen and Lindsay Lohan, are finding gainful employment with an animated flair.
First up is The Playboy Channel’s first ever cartoon venture, wistfully titled Charlie Sheen’s Winter Wonderland that follows a Christmas day in the life of ole Chuckles, as he and his goddesses do mass amounts of cocaine, and maybe he’ll get into a knife fight with ex Brooke Mueller. Good times.

Over on Public Access Cable, Lindsay will capitalize of her two big 2011 ventures, failure and disappointment, with I’ll Be Under House Arrest For Christmas. The beleaguered “actress” – you have to be in a movie to be that – will be transformed into a claymation version of herself (think Gollum from Lord of the Rings) and will attempt to hawk herself to the highest bidder; like that Beezid.com commercial she did during her earlier house arrest this year. This time around special guests such as her dad and Samantha Ronson, drop by – the latter to serve her with a restraining order. Sponsored in part by Clamato.

I’ll Take CD’s and Songs For $100

Seeing as Justin Bieber is capitalizing on his teen idol popularity with his Xmas album (tick tock, those 15 minutes have got to be almost up, right?), a number of artists who appeal to that particular demographic and gay men alike – sure, those are wholly separate things – are peopling iTunes with their own brand of holiday cheer.

There’s Katy Perry: Back To Bethlehem, on which the “The One That Got Away” singer goes back to her Christian Rock roots and real last name of Hudson, and belts out the album’s biggest hit, her rendition of the Tammy Wynette classic, “Let’s Put Christ Back In Christmas.”

NKOTBBSBNSBNWJT is a boy band extraordinaire venture of combining New Kids on the Block, Backstreet Boys and ’N Sync But Not With Justin Timberlake as they represent, via song, all of the December Holidays with their hit single, “Have Yourself A Merry Little Christmaskkahzaa.”

The Stockings Were Hung features your favorite well-endowed porn stars of the past and present, from Jeff Stryker to Michael Lucas, as they do their own spoken word poems set to porn music composed by Barry Manilow. This total package deal – really, you didn’t see that one coming – includes a DVD, and a pop up book.

Cut. Print. That’s A Wrap!

Wow, you really can’t take me anywhere, and yes, I’ll probably burn in Hell for putting these visions of sugar plum, uh, fairies in your head. And I am sure that Barbra Streisand’s version of “Jingle Bells” will be playing on an endless loop there, much to my horror. What, is my gay card on fire? Nope, the heat I feel is from the seventh layer reaching out to me. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.

 

Gaywatch: Give ’Em The Old Razzie Dazzle

That’s Entertainment: Give ’Em The Old Razzie Dazzle

By Tim Parks

Ever year, with bated breath (it’s called flossing, ok?), actors, actresses and filmmakers wait to see if they made the list.

No, not to see if they will be heaped praise from the Academy Awards, as being the top dogs and kitty cats in their respective acting and directing categories. Rather it’s to see if they were targeted by the anti-Oscars, The Razzie Awards.

Not familiar with the annual ode to craptastic cinematic non-achievements? Well, here’s a little bit of history for your edification….

The Golden Raspberry Awards were created in 1981 by publicist John J.B. Wilson, and the 30-year-old institution that revels in the worst Hollywood has to offer, is held one day prior to The Academy Awards (that’s February 26 & 27 this year, by the by).

Wow, I’m the same age as a Razzie…well, in my mind anyway.

The presentation is even modeled after the aforementioned celebration of film excellence, albeit as an intentionally lower rent version of its 83-year-old counterpart.

And no expense is literally spared in handing out these not-so-coveted statuettes, which cost a total of $4.97, for the spray painted gold golfball-sized raspberry that sits upon a Super 8 mm reel of film.

And seeing as a good-sized majority of gay men and women love to sit through some past Razzie recipients of the Worst Film category, by popping in a well-loved copy of “Mommie Dearest” or “Showgirls,” while yelling dialogue at the screen, like human versions of Statler and Waldorf on “The Muppet Show;” it makes sense to pay tribute to bad cinema.

Let’s take a look at who is getting knifed, I mean, who made the cut this year with their own brand of giving movie audiences the old Razzie Dazzle!

Where to begin…how about with the worst acting set?  That was a rhetorical question, for the record. And because I’m a gentleman (uh huh), we’ll go with the ladies first approach.

Up for this dubious disgrace are: Jennifer “I-don’t-need-a-man” Aniston (a double nominee for “The Bounty Hunter” and “The Switch”), Miley “da bong” Cyrus (“The Last Song”),  Megan “wax figures emote more” Fox (“Jonah Hex”), Kristen “would-it-kill-you-to-smile” Stewart (“Twilight Saga: Eclipse”), while the entire quartet of NYC ladies from “Sex and the City 2” round out the nod-offs. I take umbrage with the latter, thus them not receiving the nickname treatment. 

The loser is: Cyrus, because with the way her career is spiraling downwards – who knows if she’ll make the cut next year? The upswing, she’ll have more time to smoke Salvia, and won’t be slouching on the Red Carpet; she needs to straighten up, two-fold.

For Worst Supporting Actress, we have some gay icons in the running, like Cher (“Burlesque”), Liza Minnelli (“SATC 2”) and Babs Streisand (“Little Fockers”). Jessica Alba is a quadruple threat (only for acting badly in “The Killer Inside Me,” “Machete,” “Little Fockers” and “Valentine’s Day”) and Nicola Peltz (for her turn as a death row inmate, and  flatulence-challenged gal, in “The Last Airbender”) makes up the five it’s-not-an-honor-to-be-nominated set.

The loser is: As I don’t want an angry gay mob after me, and although I think Babs should stick to her day job of “thinking” she looks great from her left side, I’ll pick Alba for volume’s sake alone.

Whoopsie is that the smell of torches outside my front door? I thought it’s wasn’t OK to “Hassel The Hoff,” but I am learning the hard way that a gay man shouldn’t “Slam The Streisand!”

As for their male equivalents, we have Worst Actors in the guises of Jack Black (“Gulliver’s Travels”), Ashton Kutcher (“Killers” and “Valentine’s Day”), Gerard Butler (“The Bounty Hunter”), Robert Pattinson (“Twilight Saga: Eclipse”) and Taylor Lautner’s six-pack werewolf abs in which movie?

Really, you don’t know what it’s called? Is it because you’ve been too busy introducing yourself to your neighbors, via a court order? It’s “Twilight Saga: Eclipse,” now get off my block! Oh, and he got nominated for “Valentine’s Day,” also.

The loser is: Pattinson, because I don’t get the appeal of him. If you want to surprise me with your acting abilities, then play someone who can tan, and then we’ll see.

If you can’t be a Worst Actor – why not be A Worst Athletic Supporter? Err, I meant, Worst Supporting Actor; sounds like someone has seen “Grease” a few too many times. Guilty!

First up, we have Billy Ray Cyrus for “The Last Song,” and while George Lopez, Dev Patel, Jackson Rathbone and Rob Schneider are also vying for this dishonor, there’s no need to mention their movies, because one name stands, ahem, head and shoulders above the rest. That is not technically a mullet reference, yeah right! Just like his daughter handling out an allowance to him, you just can’t have one without the other, at least reference-wise.

The loser is: Cyrus, because you know he’ll show up to the event as envelopes are being opened. You know, like Sharon Stone seems to do, even though her film career hasn’t exactly been a runaway Prius, as of late.  Cyrus may possibly lament about how “Hannah Montana” destroyed his family during his acceptance speech, as he did in GQ recently. Oh boo frickin’ hoo, now go cash your residual checks!

Worst Picture nominations go out to: “The Bounty Hunter,” “The Last Airbender,” “Sex and the City 2,” “Twilight Saga: Eclipse” and “Vampires Suck” – aren’t the last two the same movie?

The loser is: “Twilight Saga: Eclipse,” as I didn’t know it was possible for a movie to suck and blow at the same time.

And since someone had to helm these cinematic “masterpieces,” the Worst Directors are: Sylvester Stallone (“The Expendables” – was it a documentary about his acting approach?), Michael Patrick King (“Sags and the City 2” – I did that under duress, and in the spirit of fairness), David Slade (“Twilight Saga: Total Eclipse of the Heart”), M. Night Shyamalan (“The Last Airbender It Like Beckham) and Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (“Vampire Parodies Really Suck,” and it actually took two directors to make that?)

The loser is: Mr. Shyamalan-a-ding-dong come on down and hand over your Director’s Guild membership. The lesson here? How about a personalized version on the old “shame on you” adage…fool me more than the only two good movies you’ve made (“The Sixth Sense” and “Signs”), then shame on you and not me; I gave up on you after “The Village.”

Darn, I didn’t get to mention my favorite category of Worst Screen Couple/Ensemble, and its winners being Josh Brolin’s face and Megan Fox’s accent in “Jonah Hex.”

Whoops, guess I just did, and that’s just comedy gold, people.

You never know who may show up to actually claim their trophies, as both Oscar-winners Halle Berry and Sandra Bullock have done just that for their respective wins for “Catwoman” and “All About Steve.”

While it’s great that they have a sense of humor like “normal people,” (stop, you’re killing us. No, really, stop!) it’s too bad that these winners and their studios can’t give us back the collective hours we’ve spent watching their turkeys! Or at the very least spring for our popcorn, I’m just saying. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print!