Hollywood: Fall TV From Top To Bottom
By Tim Parks
Where in the hell did summer go? It’s over, kaput, good riddance as they say; as to who “they” are – who gives two crappers? All it really means is that Shark Week is over and Labor Day has passed us by, like some lighter beeyatch mistress of the darker months to follow.
But fret not, intrepid reader, because what this really translates into, for you TV junkies, is that a slew of new shows are coming at you! Duck! As there may some real stink bombs in the mix and others may, ahem, stick with you through next spring.
A Pinker Shade Of Pale
Why, there are even a smattering of “the gays,” spread through the soil of the television landscape, and one is already in deep manure; well, with One Million Moms…so, I guess that kinda counts.
The aforementioned “organization” is boycotting Glee creator Ryan Murphy’s new TV love child, citing that “NBC’s The New Normal is attempting to desensitize America and our children. It is the opposite of how families are designed and created. You cannot recreate the biological wheel.”
Well, with thinking like theirs, we can afford to let some of the spokes fall out of said wheel. Anyhoo, the show revolves around “a homosexual (OMM’s term, not mine) couple (Andrew Rannells and Justin Bartha) who hire a surrogate (Georgia King) to carry their hell spawn.” Ok, the last word was mine and Satan has two daddies, apparently and One Million Moms definitely. Airs Sept 11. BTW, you can watch the pilot on Hulu. Ellen Barkin and NeNe Leakes are hilarious and its a heartfelt and hilarious show, definitely worth a look.
Partners features even more of those pesky queers…geez they’re everywhere, well, at least on two networks.
This CBS sitcom is from the creative minds behind Will & Grace, David Kohan and Max Mutchnick – God Bless you- and features former Ugly Betty alum Michael Urie in a twist on their gays and straights theme.
This time out – literally – Urie’s Louis character is bff’s with straight guy Joe (David Krumholtz), only to have their world turned upside down when ole straighty proposes to his longtime girlfriend Ali (Sophia Bush – hey, they didn’t say anything about lesbians being on the show).
But, don’t cry for Louis, Argentina, as he has a former Superman (Brandon Routh) as his boyfriend. He’ll live. Airs September 24.
The Gay Adjacents
Another former Betty star, Vanessa Williams, is taking up a new residence that’s a step up from her Wisteria Lane digs in our first gay adjacent show, ABC’s 666 Park Avenue.
There’s actually quite a few former ABC faces on this one, such as Dave Annable of Brothers & Sisters, Lost’s Terry O’Quinn and Rachael Taylor of last year’s aborted Charlie’s Angels remake; well, two out of three ain’t bad.
The residents of The Drake, a posh little address on the Upper East Side, houses dark secrets and a new Midwestern couple that moves into Mia Farrow’s old apartment from Rosemary’s Baby – that’s a shame Katie Holmes was on the waiting list for it. Airs September 30.
Hey who doesn’t like superheroes, am I right? Hello, is this thing on? That was not a rhetorical question laid down before you – can I get a resounding, “Sure! We all do!” There, now don’t you feel better? Well I do and that’s all that counts, really.
Well, get ready for CW’s Archer, whoopsie that’s an awesome cartoon on FX, I meant Arrow – yeah, that’s the title, alright. Well, that’s because its based on The Green Arrow comic books of yore and his altar ego, Oliver Queen (Stephen Amell), is just one of your typical playboy-by-day-puts-on-tights-by-night variety of vigilante. No wonder his last name is Queen. Airs October 10.
Also on The Dub as I call it, is a reboot of the ‘80s Ron Perlman and Linda Hamilton show Beauty and the Beast, which must be sponsored in part by Nair, as the new Beast (Kiwi Jay Ryan) is reportedly not sprouting unwanted hair. No word yet on his co-star, and titular Beauty, Kristin Kreuk following suit, or would that be hirsute?
Of note, Hamilton sent the two thespians handwritten notes and photos to wish them luck; funny, all of the pictures were her headshots and the letters read: “Please hire me!” Airs October 11.
Another revamp looking to stray away from its source material is CBS’s Elementary, a modern variation on Sherlock Holmes, with former Mr. Angelina Jolie, Jonny Miller, as the super sleuth.
And, gasp, Watson is now a woman person played by Lucy Liu – sans my girl Drew, Cam-ron D and Destiny – who is assigned as his “sober companion.” Great! Whose watching Lindsay and Charlie? Airs September 25.
My least favorite station also has Chicago Fire and all you need to know is that it has hunky firemen. Did you set your DVR’s without me? Airs October 10, like you didn’t know!
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