Gaywatch: Girl Fight Tonight!
By Tim Parks
Ladies and gentlemen, because there were a plethora of strong women introduced this TV season and we love them; I thought we’d see which ones were million dollar babies and others who could stand a little more fancy footwork by pitting them against one another.
Let’s get reaaaaaddddy to ruuuuummmmble, OK?
Of course, this being a girl fight the no hitting below the belt rule is still applicable, but not to me, naturally.
Round 1: New Girl vs. Two Broke Girls
Zooey Deschanel’s Jess “Nightmare” Day is taking on both Kat Dennings’ Max “Sassy and Sturdy” Black and Beth Behrs’ Caroline “Goodbye Dolly” Channing.
Hmm, that name sounds vaguely familiar, cough, cough Carol Channing.
These small-screen girls are kicking it old school with a roller derby clash and it looks like Deschanel is unaware of a two-fold steamroller move coming her way; as she is trying to bedazzle her skates for a whimsical effect.
At the last second, she points her skates towards the disco ball affixed in the middle of the rink, thus blinding Behrs and sending her upper crust down-on-her-luck character over the railing.
This infuriates Dennings, who keeps losing focus whenever she rounds the track and sees the snack bar.
In fact, she doesn’t notice that Deschanel has pulled out her trusty guitar and positions it to give the ultimate smack down, which is not her only secret weapon.
From out of nowhere her co-star, the show’s unofficial other girl Schmidt (Max Greenfield), who’s sporting his character’s kimono, leaps out of the crowd, over the railing and pushes Dennings into the guitar.
This sends her careening into Behrs, who has a broken arm. Dennings notices a bone protruding from her co-star and mistakes it for a snack bar churro and hungrily lunges for the blonde Paris Hilton-esque actress.
Suddenly, Greenfield rips his kimono, exposing his tight body for no apparent reason, but he receives a standing o from his gay fan base.
Deschanel takes a victory lap, with a reworking of the show’s theme song, “Hey Girl, whatcha doin’…kicking your asses, beeyatches!”
Round 2: Revenge’s Madeleine Stowe and Emily VanCamp
Since Revenge evokes past nighttime soap opera endeavors, such as Dynasty, the actresses agree to a tussle in a pond. I thought that cats didn’t like water, guess it doesn’t matter when there’s a catfight involved, and the claws come out before the splash down even takes place.
Stowe’s Victoria Grayson is a brunette and bitchy as all get out, ala Alexis Colby (Joan Collins), she “allows” VanCamp to serve as goody goody blonde Krystle Carrington (Linda Evans) and this doesn’t sit well for the former Brothers & Sisters star.
She hauls off with a bitch slap so powerful; it makes Stowe lose her balance and fall face first into the water. Meouch!
“How dare you ruin my recent trip to the “dentist”? Stowe shrieks in Hollywood speak for getting Botox.
“Oh yeah, I was born in 1986, four years before you starred in a movie called Revenge with Kevin Costner – way to branch out!” VanCamp retorts.
This further infuriates Stowe inside, but on the outside her face is a blank canvas, also courtesy of her “teeth cleaning.” VanCamp takes the opportunity to show off her character’s kick boxing prowess, jumping feet first into the pond, striking Stowe with a brutal blow to the mouth.
Despite the fact that she’s screaming through the pain of losing all her teeth in that fail swoop; she leaps at VanCamp with a mother lion’s roar and holds her onscreen nemesis underwater. She mutters, “It’s my show, that’s why I get top billing!”
Upon exiting the pond, her agent begins looking up real teeth doctors, as Emily’s fate remains unknown until next season, much like the awesome season finale cliffhanger of Revenge.
Round Three: Kristin Chenoweth, Sarah Michelle Gellar, Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings
Seeing as GCB, Ringer, Are You There, Chelsea and Whitney did not survive the cancellation axe; its very attractive stars: Kristen Chenoweth, SMG, Chelsea Handler and Whitney Cummings were invited to partake in a Jell-O wrasslin match.
Since Gellar recently announced her second child with Freddy Prinze, Jr, – hope it’s not twins, gurl – she sends in Barbara Sanchez, who plays the back of her head in scenes not involving a green screen.
Unfazed by this last minute change in lineup, tiny spitfire Chenoweth tackles her right off, body slamming her repeatedly in the back of her head, effectively ruining her career in Hollywood.
Little C sets her sights on Whitney Cummings for being unkind to her backstage when she was a guest on Handler’s Chelsea Lately, and Big C was a panelist. No, I am not insinuating that either one is of the see you next Tuesday variety with their C statures.
Meanwhile, Handler is putting a verbal beat down on Laura Prepon for not portraying her very well on the failed mid-season NBC comedy, which sends the “That ‘70s Show” thespian into the designated Shame Circle; while Handler points and laughs at her.
What is no laughing matter is the world of hurt Chenoweth is putting on Cummings by pulling out her hair in clumps, exhausted and crying – just like when her show got reviewed during the Fall – she slips on a pineapple chunk stuck to her foot and knocks herself unconscious in the delicious lime-flavored battleground.
Then its Handler and Chenoweth in a peroxide-blonde-on-blonde match of the non-Network Stars, even though ole Chelsea is on E! and that doesn’t really count.
As Chenoweth draws ever nearer, she realizes that she is both outnumbered in the height and biting humor department; she steps on Cummings and steps out of the plastic kiddie pool, while Handler sits in the corner counting her money, because she always beats on herself. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.