Gaywatch: New Year’s Entertainment Resolutions Pt. III
By Tim Parks
So, we’ve taken a hard look – sponsored in part by Viagra – in the first two installments regarding 2012’s TV shows and movies. But, this year’s musical resolutions aren’t a case of the first Gilligan’s Island theme song, in which I’m presenting an “and the rest” type of scenario.
Simply put, it’s time to put your listening ears on, which will be necessary in order to hear CDs from some old musical friends. That’s certainly not a swipe at Madonna’s upcoming endeavor, which kicks off Part 3 in 3D…
Music to My Queer Ears
I’ve actually heard the demo for “Gimme All Your Luvin’,” the first single from Madonna’s as-yet-titled 12th studio album, which I am hoping will round out the Like A oeuvre she has yet to finish; Like A Pickle has a ring to it. Getting back to her sounded vaguely like “Hollaback Girl” new song… Nicki Minaj is providing a vocal assist (boom, boomda, boom, badoom, boom bass) on the track.
According to the world wide Interweb, Mo planted a kiss on Nicki on the set of the single’s video, but not on rapper M.I.A., who was also enlisted for the track. Guess Madonna wasn’t in the mood for a Minaj a Trois…add your own, ahem, rim shot.
Her Ray of Light producer William Orbit will be doing most of the heavy lifting on production (duh) on the first of a three-record deal with Interscope that netted her a cool $40 million. Oh, and she’s playing at something called The Super Bowl on February 5. (March)
Adam Lambert has titled his new CD Trespassing – hey, a person could get arrested for that! Oops, surely a sore subject for the second place American Idol alum, following an arrest for a bar fight with his boyfriend in Finland.
This never would have happened to Kris Allen! Well, it could have, but then again has anyone seen or, more appropriately, heard from him, lately? Anyone. Anyone? Bueller. Bueller.
The first single, “Better Than I Know Myself,” is said to be along the lines of a ballad that Celine Dion would record. Hmm, that’s queer. (March 20)
Rufus Wainwright gets “manly” (’sup bro?) on his forthcoming album, produced by Mark Ronson. Oh really? Then why did you name it Out of the Game, it’s certainly not some sports reference about a tight end who misses the basket with his puck. Sounds more like my own days playing sports and the position I played in Little League. Sad face. Sniffle. Well, stereotypes do have to come from somewhere. (May)
There are a slew of artists due out with new material in the coming year, but no firm date, including Scissor Sisters untitled project. It is said to be more like their self-titled introduction, circa 2004, and its 2006 follow up Ta-Dah. Hold up, what about 2010’s Night Work? Oh, they want to replicate albums that weren’t terrible, got it!
With the possible casting of Taylor Swift as Éponine in the movie adaptation of Les Misérables making groups of angry Village People ready to riot with torches flaming on, her reported new CD may be a difficult sell to our kind. For those not incensed by this casting rumor, the CD is scheduled to drop in the fourth quarter…isn’t that, like, in February? It’s hard to be pretty and smart, so I’ll just stick with being pretty.
Are you ladies sitting down? Supposedly Cher is coming out with a new CD entitled Long Overdue. Well it’s not called that, but it should be – if I could turn back time I would find a way to make her get back into the studio sooner. Oh, and she has recorded a new single “You Are The Greatest Thing To Me” that was written by someone named Lady Gaga – she kinda rings a bell – and may end up being a duet. Do you need a paper bag to hyperventilate into? Just put your head between your knees… hey! Those are mine, quit that! A little more to the left.
Have you ever tried working with your ex after the relationship has long since soured? Well, Boy George thinks it’s a good idea to reunite with Jon Moss, and the rest of the boys from Culture Club, on a new CD and it would be great if they have a major comeback. No comment.
Also keep an eye out for full releases on the horizon from Leona Lewis, Diana Ross and Christina Aguilera – if she can get out of the Hometown Buffet on her own volition. Girl, I’d ask if you’ve called Jenny, but I think we all know the answer to that.
Cut. Print. That’s A Wrap!
So there ya have it and release dates are obviously subject to change, there may be some assembly required, you may have rinse and repeat if necessary, and offer may not be valid in some Red States. The long and short of it? Don’t come crying to me if a CD ends up coming out later rather than sooner, k? You won’t like me when I’m angry. Tim smash! Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.