Lisa Lampanelli: That’s Mrs. Queen of Mean To You!
By Tim Parks
You know immediately that you are on the phone with Lisa Lampanelli, she greets you with “How are you? You big dirty homo!” When asked how she knew I was gay the reply is, “Oh my God, honey. The phone just lisped at me.”
It is comments like that, and her no-holds-barred approach to comedy, which have endeared her to us in the opposite of a moth to a flame scenario. It’s more like flamers to a queen bee, as she told me about her gay curb appeal.
“I think it’s because I’ve always felt like kind of an outsider, and so, the gays identify with me; they sense that I didn’t always fit in. Also, I think it’s because gay guys have really low self-esteem and like to be made fun of, and I remind them of their mother.”
Well, only if our mothers are being played by Faye Dunaway in Mommie Dearest, ok?
Speaking of roles, Lampanelli recently took on the moniker of Mrs., when she tied the knot on with Jimmy “Big Balls” Cannizzaro. Appropriately, the Comedy Central Roast fixture was wed at The Friar’s Club in New York City, famous for its risqué celeb skewerings.
However, Lampanelli didn’t roast anyone during her vows.
“It was a normal, classic New York wedding,” she said. “Comics always feel like they have to wear the keyboard tie and the tuxedo t-shirt and the rainbow suspenders and do a roast. It makes a mockery of the whole thing, because this is going to be my last marriage this year.”
And how does it feel to be Mrs. “Big Balls?”
“It feels very good to be able to do something that you faggots can’t,” she joked. “For so many years, you’ve criticized our outfits and our hairstyles; well screw you, you dirty homos, I got married and you can’t.”
Something we can do is wonder if the former “chocoholic” dater is suffering from chocolate withdrawals, seeing as Cannizzaro is Caucasian.
“Uh, no,” she stated. “Because first of all, Jimmy ‘Big Balls’ is sitting right next to me.”
The unflappable Lampanelli seemed flustered, but quickly bounced back when asked about her upcoming tour.
“I’ve been working on the material for it, and honestly, you’re real life always creeps into your comedy,” Lampanelli responded. “A lot of it’s about the relationship, it’s about the nut sack, and it’s about general things that annoy me. And, of course, my signature insults of everyone – including your people that are not going to Heaven, because God hates you.”
Lampanelli said she shies away from topics, if she can’t make the subject matter have “a funny twist to it.”
This seems impossible, especially when her services are rendered for the aforementioned Roasts. She did have a target in mind, if she had her pick of whom to kabob.
“Probably that big-headed dykeosaurus Rosie O’Donnell,” she quipped. “Because she takes herself a little too seriously, and she’s kinda beggin’ for it.”
Lampanelli was absent during last year’s flambé of Joan Rivers, because she wasn’t offered the Roast Master position and “it wasn’t worth my while” to interrupt her “Summer of Balls.”
“I had just met ‘Big Balls,’” she explained. “And you know how you get all in love and don’t want to do anything else, except hang out and stare at each other?”
Something else Lampanelli likes to stare at is television, in particular, The Real Housewives franchise.
She named New York’s Bethenny Frankel as her favorite, and met Danielle Staub during her woman-on-the-street segment on Extra saying, “from the neck down, she’s a f***ing 10.” But it’s another Jersey girl that she “skeeves.”
“I hate, with some passion you can’t even describe, Teresa (Giudice) that table flipping c**t. Because she’s in huge denial that she’s bankrupt; she thinks her house isn’t in foreclosure, and it totally is! By the way, do you notice that I get almost angry and these people aren’t in my life?”
While Lampanelli has found her niche as an insult comic, she is often referred to as “the lovable Queen of Mean,” which makes for a strange dichotomy. But, gasp, there are things that make her cry.
“I have a very soft heart and I cry at many things,” she admitted. “I have a couple of songs that instantly make me cry. The song ‘Somewhere Out There’ makes me weep instantly. And I also enjoy crying to ‘Hello’ by Neil Diamond.”