Gaywatch: I Wanna Be A Kardashian!
By Tim Parks
Certainly you have seen the bumper sticker that reads: “I Want To Be Barbie, The Bitch Has Everything.”
While I don’t consider any of the “Keeping Up with the Kardashians” sisters to be of the B-word variety, I would have to concur with the sentiment that they seem to have the world wrapped around their fingers, or Kim’s famous doublewide.
And, no, I am not referring to a trailer.
Let’s face it; there was a reason that their recent retrospective episode was called “Junk in the Trunk 2,” which had all of the ear-markings of a “Family Ties” flashback episode.
However, it is another TV sitcom family that the Kardashian Klan (it’s ok to spell it this way, since they add a K to everything ,just don’t add an extra one, cuz that’s bad, mmmkay) is reminiscent of.
In a way, they are the modern equivalent of “The Brady Bunch,” minus the potato sack races in the backyard or the embarrassing “Brady Bunch Hour” variety show spin-off.
Then again, step-dad Bruce Jenner did star with The Village People in the equally cringe-worthy movie Can’t Stop the Music. Yes, you can! Just switch off the TV, glad I could help you save two hours of your life that you’d never get back.
Anyhoo, what I am trying to say is that they are the new faces of the blended TV family, ala the “Bunch,” which as the youngest of five kids (all boys and me; mom wanted a basketball team – she got four players and a cheerleader, oops) I wanted to join as a child.
So, I tried hatching a present-day failed plot to infiltrate the always-on-in-reruns E! family; if only in my mind.
Unfortunately, I should have not taken a page out of “The Brady Bunch” final season book. I appeared at their Calabasas-based Dash store as third-cousin-three-times-removed Cousin KTim (I couldn’t very well be Kim, there’s only room for one of her in this world), and said “Hey, are any of my cousins here?” I opted to use “hey,” as it starts most of the family’s greetings, so I thought I would be immediately accepted.
I may as well have said I was Cousin Oliver, since I was unceremoniously kicked out on my “Unbuttlievable” padded underpants (a real product, seriously) that I had purchased for my failed attempt to become a Kardashian.
Yes, I was wearing pants at the time…I think, but Khloé was having none of my shenanigans, literally strong-armed me out of the store, with a stern warning of “You’d be better not be steppin’ foot in this store again!” Ever notice that Khloé likes to cut the g’s off the end of words ending in said letter, almost as much as she likes dropping F-bombs!
At least I didn’t have someone release a sex tape to try and find an in, ok?
So, what’s a guy to do when he’s imaginarily “rejected” by his new favorite TV family? I would simply have to do what millions of viewers are doing; I’d have to live vicariously through their small screen exploits.
As previously mentioned, their family is always on the air, especially now that Kourtney and Kim are taking New York! When the eldest sister (Kourtney for those not in the know and shame on you!) yelled from the top of their posh penthouse, “The Kardashians are here,” I’m surprised that their neighbors, still blinded by the paparazzo’s flashbulbs that greeted the siblings’ arrival, didn’t respond with a resounding, “Duh!”
Before Kourtney and Khloé took Miami for two seasons and the former and Kim are currently doing the same to NYC, their TV journey began in 2007 and has seen the family explode into a bonafide worldwide sensation.
So, it’s no surprise that momager Kris and the gals have lent their famous surname to a wide variety of product endorsements. They really should hook it up with the aforementioned “Unbuttlievable,” you’re welcome and my finder’s fee is 10%. And a hug? Aww, that was nice. Enough of that!
Alas, there have been some hits and misses in marketing.
Let’s just say that you can’t buy their best-selling book Kardashian Konfidential, the infomercial beauty line “PerfectSkin,” or Kim’s latest deal with Skechers with their now-defunct Kardashian Kredit Kard with its high fees; be kareful kids with the kinds of kendorsements you kattach yourselves to, bekause the version of the Kim tested, Kris approved diet supplement “Quick Trim” has a version called “Extreme Burn” and that sounds downright painful!
Help! I kan’t stop spelling things with k’s now, kgreat! Ok, the moment has passed, phew, k? Dammit!
And on the subject of endorsements, I am surprised that Kourtney’s baby daddy, Scott Disick, hasn’t thought of launching a clothing line called TH3, since he dresses like Thurston Howell III from “Gilligan’s Island,” or he could start a line of douche products.
But, I’m sure that the sisters K will learn from their mistakes, and use discretion in putting their stamp on more products, and continue to grace the cover of every magazine known to man, including Kim’s latest boo hoo fest over her nude W, um, spread. It wasn’t too scarring (except for straight males with an aversion to silver), because she’s being featured on an upcoming cover of FHM in the U.K.
Besides, the whole bunch will be returning for Season Six on August 22, and I am happy that Bruce got a proper hairstyle during Season Five; he was starting to look like a scarecrow – his hair was thirsty!
Plus, Khloé and her basketball playing hubby Lamar Odom – who just announced a chocolate-based unisex fragrance “Unbreakable” – I don’t get it? Because it’s for the Valentine in all of us? Oh, it’s cause Lamar, well, you get the gist – as does Khloé – nudge to the wink!. The pair will provide more glimpses into their married life on the originally titled “Khloé and Lamar” on April 10 for 8 episodes.
So, it looks like it’s a Kardashian world, and we just live in it.
The recent People Choice “Favorite TV Guilty Pleasure” winners do provide entertainment by bickering and constantly crossing boundaries. Hello, never let your sister wax your nether regions and or straddle her! Unless you’re on “Sister Wives,” then it’s o.k.?. Shudder…
But at the end of the day, they are just a family, albeit more famous than most.
Special thanks to Lenay Flowers and Angela Spicer for “inspiring” this rant, err, column.