That’s Entertainment: Give ’Em The Old Razzie Dazzle
By Tim Parks
Ever year, with bated breath (it’s called flossing, ok?), actors, actresses and filmmakers wait to see if they made the list.
No, not to see if they will be heaped praise from the Academy Awards, as being the top dogs and kitty cats in their respective acting and directing categories. Rather it’s to see if they were targeted by the anti-Oscars, The Razzie Awards.
Not familiar with the annual ode to craptastic cinematic non-achievements? Well, here’s a little bit of history for your edification….
The Golden Raspberry Awards were created in 1981 by publicist John J.B. Wilson, and the 30-year-old institution that revels in the worst Hollywood has to offer, is held one day prior to The Academy Awards (that’s February 26 & 27 this year, by the by).
Wow, I’m the same age as a Razzie…well, in my mind anyway.
The presentation is even modeled after the aforementioned celebration of film excellence, albeit as an intentionally lower rent version of its 83-year-old counterpart.
And no expense is literally spared in handing out these not-so-coveted statuettes, which cost a total of $4.97, for the spray painted gold golfball-sized raspberry that sits upon a Super 8 mm reel of film.
And seeing as a good-sized majority of gay men and women love to sit through some past Razzie recipients of the Worst Film category, by popping in a well-loved copy of “Mommie Dearest” or “Showgirls,” while yelling dialogue at the screen, like human versions of Statler and Waldorf on “The Muppet Show;” it makes sense to pay tribute to bad cinema.
Let’s take a look at who is getting knifed, I mean, who made the cut this year with their own brand of giving movie audiences the old Razzie Dazzle!
Where to begin…how about with the worst acting set? That was a rhetorical question, for the record. And because I’m a gentleman (uh huh), we’ll go with the ladies first approach.
Up for this dubious disgrace are: Jennifer “I-don’t-need-a-man” Aniston (a double nominee for “The Bounty Hunter” and “The Switch”), Miley “da bong” Cyrus (“The Last Song”), Megan “wax figures emote more” Fox (“Jonah Hex”), Kristen “would-it-kill-you-to-smile” Stewart (“Twilight Saga: Eclipse”), while the entire quartet of NYC ladies from “Sex and the City 2” round out the nod-offs. I take umbrage with the latter, thus them not receiving the nickname treatment.
The loser is: Cyrus, because with the way her career is spiraling downwards – who knows if she’ll make the cut next year? The upswing, she’ll have more time to smoke Salvia, and won’t be slouching on the Red Carpet; she needs to straighten up, two-fold.
For Worst Supporting Actress, we have some gay icons in the running, like Cher (“Burlesque”), Liza Minnelli (“SATC 2”) and Babs Streisand (“Little Fockers”). Jessica Alba is a quadruple threat (only for acting badly in “The Killer Inside Me,” “Machete,” “Little Fockers” and “Valentine’s Day”) and Nicola Peltz (for her turn as a death row inmate, and flatulence-challenged gal, in “The Last Airbender”) makes up the five it’s-not-an-honor-to-be-nominated set.
The loser is: As I don’t want an angry gay mob after me, and although I think Babs should stick to her day job of “thinking” she looks great from her left side, I’ll pick Alba for volume’s sake alone.
Whoopsie is that the smell of torches outside my front door? I thought it’s wasn’t OK to “Hassel The Hoff,” but I am learning the hard way that a gay man shouldn’t “Slam The Streisand!”
As for their male equivalents, we have Worst Actors in the guises of Jack Black (“Gulliver’s Travels”), Ashton Kutcher (“Killers” and “Valentine’s Day”), Gerard Butler (“The Bounty Hunter”), Robert Pattinson (“Twilight Saga: Eclipse”) and Taylor Lautner’s six-pack werewolf abs in which movie?
Really, you don’t know what it’s called? Is it because you’ve been too busy introducing yourself to your neighbors, via a court order? It’s “Twilight Saga: Eclipse,” now get off my block! Oh, and he got nominated for “Valentine’s Day,” also.
The loser is: Pattinson, because I don’t get the appeal of him. If you want to surprise me with your acting abilities, then play someone who can tan, and then we’ll see.
If you can’t be a Worst Actor – why not be A Worst Athletic Supporter? Err, I meant, Worst Supporting Actor; sounds like someone has seen “Grease” a few too many times. Guilty!
First up, we have Billy Ray Cyrus for “The Last Song,” and while George Lopez, Dev Patel, Jackson Rathbone and Rob Schneider are also vying for this dishonor, there’s no need to mention their movies, because one name stands, ahem, head and shoulders above the rest. That is not technically a mullet reference, yeah right! Just like his daughter handling out an allowance to him, you just can’t have one without the other, at least reference-wise.
The loser is: Cyrus, because you know he’ll show up to the event as envelopes are being opened. You know, like Sharon Stone seems to do, even though her film career hasn’t exactly been a runaway Prius, as of late. Cyrus may possibly lament about how “Hannah Montana” destroyed his family during his acceptance speech, as he did in GQ recently. Oh boo frickin’ hoo, now go cash your residual checks!
Worst Picture nominations go out to: “The Bounty Hunter,” “The Last Airbender,” “Sex and the City 2,” “Twilight Saga: Eclipse” and “Vampires Suck” – aren’t the last two the same movie?
The loser is: “Twilight Saga: Eclipse,” as I didn’t know it was possible for a movie to suck and blow at the same time.
And since someone had to helm these cinematic “masterpieces,” the Worst Directors are: Sylvester Stallone (“The Expendables” – was it a documentary about his acting approach?), Michael Patrick King (“Sags and the City 2” – I did that under duress, and in the spirit of fairness), David Slade (“Twilight Saga: Total Eclipse of the Heart”), M. Night Shyamalan (“The Last Airbender It Like Beckham) and Jason Friedberg and Aaron Seltzer (“Vampire Parodies Really Suck,” and it actually took two directors to make that?)
The loser is: Mr. Shyamalan-a-ding-dong come on down and hand over your Director’s Guild membership. The lesson here? How about a personalized version on the old “shame on you” adage…fool me more than the only two good movies you’ve made (“The Sixth Sense” and “Signs”), then shame on you and not me; I gave up on you after “The Village.”
Darn, I didn’t get to mention my favorite category of Worst Screen Couple/Ensemble, and its winners being Josh Brolin’s face and Megan Fox’s accent in “Jonah Hex.”
Whoops, guess I just did, and that’s just comedy gold, people.
You never know who may show up to actually claim their trophies, as both Oscar-winners Halle Berry and Sandra Bullock have done just that for their respective wins for “Catwoman” and “All About Steve.”
While it’s great that they have a sense of humor like “normal people,” (stop, you’re killing us. No, really, stop!) it’s too bad that these winners and their studios can’t give us back the collective hours we’ve spent watching their turkeys! Or at the very least spring for our popcorn, I’m just saying. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print!