By Tim Parks
There’s a “cleanup on aisle five situation” happening in Los Angeles, and trust me…a Wet Nap ain’t gonna cut it for these next few months, somebody better stock up on Bounty; it is the quicker picker upper, after all.
Simply put, Hollywood pulls out all the stops in promoting their potential blockbusters with fast food chain tie-ins (really, I’m surprised there wasn’t a Sex and the City 2 Happy Meal! Samantha would have made for a great bendable toy, I’m just sayin’) and its full release media blitz a-go-go in Tinsel Town from May through August.
Tom Cruise reunites with Cameron Diaz in the romantic, yet action packed flick Knight and Day. My, that’s an interesting dichotomy for a movie; it’s almost like trying not to mention Tom Cruise and Scientology in the same sentence. Dammit! I bet you thought I’d say…never mind, as a certain person in this production is a wee bit sue happy when it comes to sexuality. Interestingly enough, the Bottom, I mean, Top Gun star is attempting to show his softer side with his turn as Roy Miller. Yeah, best way to fight a flame is with fire.
Turning a beloved TV show into a big screen adaptation ain’t nothin’new. Get ready for The A-Team to storm into multiplexes with Quinton “Rampage” Jackson taking on the role that made Mr. T. into ’80s TV star. I’ll admit it…I never watched the show, save for the episode where Boy George guest starred (go figure). So, I guess I’ll just have to wait for the inevitable gay porn tie-in, The Gay Team. Can’t wait to hear the faux Mr T. utter, “I pity the fool that can’t take all this!”
Speaking of gay porn remakes, wouldn’t Toy Story 3D be ripe for that treatment? Talk about comin’ at ya! Sex Toy Story would follow the exploits of vibrator Morning Wood and his pal Buttplug Lube Rear. Geez, you really can’t take me anywhere, except the gutter!
Oh look, they remade The Karate Kid and there’s a new Twilight movie heading our way. Next! Ashton Kutcher takes off his shirt and co-stars with gay friendly actress Katherine Heigl in Killers. Colin Farrell embarks on a different kind of fairy tale in Ondine, in which he falls for a possible mermaid. Chances are he’ll resolve that pesky Jessica Simpson query of chicken versus tuna. Nudge-to-the-wink.
Docudrama-wise, Stonewall Uprising retells the events in 1969 that eventually led to the Gay Rights Movement. See, I can be nice and not filthy, so go learn something you young monkeys.
Angelina Jolie slips back into her chick-who-kicks-ass wardrobe for her role as a Russian sleeper spy in Salt, which was originally written for Tommy Cruise; I’ll bet there were more than a few alterations to make his costumes fit a regular size person…Cruise is short, ok?
Dark Knight director Christopher Nolan helms Inception, which is not a film about birth. However, it does star former preggers screen teen Ellen Page (Juno). Oh yeah, it co-stars Leonardo DiCaprio as a “freelance dream thief,” do ya think I could make that stuff up?
Couples of all types populate the cinema in July, we have Julianne Moore and Annette Bening taking a trip to the Pink Taco, and I ain’t talkin’ about the popular eatery…or am I? They’re lesbians in layperson’s terms for The Kids Are All Right. Then we have Cyrus, which thankfully is not a biopic about Miley, and is played by mother-fixated Jonah Hill – he would have nailed the role as Miss Slouchy, though. Matt Damon and Emily Blunt play a couple on the lam in the Adjustment Bureau; I hope PETA won’t get all over them for riding on animals. Oh, lam is another term for on the run, my bad.
All you really need to know about the dog days of summer is that Julia Roberts is back on the big screen opposite Javier Bardem in Eat, Pray, Love. Sylvester Stallone, Bruce Willis and our “Governator” all share a scene in the throwback to the ’80s action flick The Expendables. Oh, and they are two more 3D offerings in the guises of Step Up 3D (was that trip really necessary?), and Piranha 3D starring what’s left of Elisabeth Shue’s career.
Cut. Print. That’s A Wrap!
In thinking about this column, I couldn’t help but wonder…when did the powers-that-be in ole H’Wood decide that it was o.k. to bump up the traditional Memorial Day weekend summer movie kick off to the beginning of May? It was something you could count on, unlike Lindsay Lohan’s work ethic, and encompasses some of my favorite movie memories of waiting in long lines to see the latest buzz worthy movie. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print!
This column was originally published in June 2010.