By Tim Parks
There doesn’t seem to be a lot of gay-themed movies headed to theaters this summer, with the exception of the new Sasha Baron Cohen comedy, Brüno, due in July. And I don’t know if that’s sayin’ much. Perhaps a little, well, elbow grease is needed to gently guide the town that remakes anything not nailed down to have put a gay spin on this summer’s most anticipated blockbusters. Let’s take a gander at how they could have done so.
Following on the heels of his Oscar night song-and-dance routine, Hugh Jackman in X-Men Origins: Wolverine could thwart bad guys by bursting into an impromptu dance number! The razor sharp blades that emerge from his hands would be the deadliest case of jazz hands filmgoers have ever witnessed – plus it would completely tie-in with the casting of Carol Channing as his long-lost mother.
There’s nothing particularly gay about the Star Trek reboot. But I do have four words that would make this a voyage where gay men have gone before: Kirk-on-Spock-action. I’ll admit I have a “thing” for Zachary Quinto (Spock) and Chris Pine (Kirk) ain’t nothin’ to sneeze at either. Beam me up, hotties!
The only way that Terminator: Salvation could get a gay angle (or “gangle” as I call it) is with its gay porn tie-in, Sperminator: Salvation. And the producers could loop some of Christian Bale’s on-set F-Bomb filled tirade into some of the steamier scenes – talk about a win-win situation!
Pixar’s latest animated offering, Up, may have been able to turn the kiddie matinee set upside down. If only someone had thought to change the plotline to be about a 60-something gay gent (which equates to 39 in online years) voiced by Lady, I mean, Sir Ian McKellen and his quest for Viagra. Upon finding out from his doctor that he’s not able to take the little blue pill due to a heart condition, the inventive and desperate sexagenarian ties 99 red luft balloons to his flagging member. Unfortunately, it causes a bigger problem as said member detaches from his person. Of course that flick would have been renamed Up, up and a gay!
I’m on the fence regarding the updating of a beloved childhood show, Land of the Lost, and there is a splinter factor involved. Yes, the new film’s effects are far removed from the cheesy TV show ones – but the latter was like Velveeta for the soul, strangely warm and comforting. Marshall, Will and Holly’s big screen routine expedition is now led by Will Ferrell, and at first I was disheartened that co-stars Anna Friel and Danny McBride weren’t to be his screen family. But then I thought about it…uh oh! On the TV show, if the Marshall kids (played by the incomparable Wesley Eure and Kathy Coleman) never got rescued – that show could have gotten all Flowers in the Attic. As it was, Eure’s Will seemed more apt to lure monkey-like Cha-Ka into the bushes under false pretenses. So, that’s the roundabout explanation for that predicament being avoided…but what about the “gangle”? One way to give the film a homo field advantage would be casting Chaka Khan as everyone’s favorite Pakuni “fah-rend.”
With a slight nip/tuck Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen could prove popular among ’80s primetime soap opera and “Bionic Woman” fans. But only if the sub-titular Fallen were a group of Fembots comprised of “career-challenged” plastic surgery fanatics: Linda Evans, Joan Van Ark and Priscilla Presley. The only downside to that is plastic melts; so if the trio got into a literal heated battle, they wouldn’t be in the third installment. I’ll wager a bet that ole air bag lips, Lisa Rinna, would happily step in for any of them. July
Talk about a wet dream cast! Public Enemies stars Johnny Depp, Christian Bale and Channing Tatum in a thriller about the 1930’s crime waves that gave birth to the FBI. What a waste of a handsome cast, unless…it became the re-telling of how Fleet enemas came into existence, and the group of good-looking gents enlisted to be guinea pigs for the product! Gee…what could the film be called? Why, Public Enemas has a nice ring to it. On second thought…some things are better left private than made Public.
Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince was slated for cinemas last November, but is getting the full release treatment this summer. The most obvious route to take here is to explore Dumbledore’s homosexuality, and that could show younger gay kids that it’s o.k. to want to whip out their wands, so to speak. I only say this because the films are getting a darker edge to them – get your minds out of the gutter! Did you see mine while you were there?
G.I. Joe: The Rise of Cobra had the chance to make the former doll, I mean, action figure into “the gayest American hero” by tackling the Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell policy. Another covert mission the “Global Integrated Joint Operating Entity” might have explored is the effect of being shrunk from 12 to three inches would have on a man.
Cut. Print. That’s A Wrap!
See? The four months that constitute boffo box office could have been very May gay through the doggie-style days of August, with just a dash of fabulosity added to their formulaic recipe. Sigh. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.
This column was originally published in May 2009.