Hollywood: Four Better and Four Worse Celebrity Valentines
Even in the glittering world of Hollywood there is, as in real life, a fair share of couples that have what it takes to make the long haul in the commitment department. On the flip side of that are couples that make you scratch your head in disbelief, as to their coupling and durability as such. And, in the spirit of the month that treasures amour, here’s a look at those who could be celebrating Valentine’s Day at least until next year, and those who most likely won’t be. Let’s start with the men and women most likely not to succeed, shall we?
Four Worse #4 Zac Efron and Vanessa Hudgens This tween twosome lit up the silver screen, and set the box office ablaze with last October’s High School Musical 3: Senior Year. But one has to wonder if there isn’t going to be a College Musical franchise (please don’t Disney – remember, it didn’t work for the “Saved by the Bell” gang), then will their pairing go up in, ahem, flames? It has long been rumored that Efron’s and Hudgens’ love has been the by-product of the publicity machine, and that Efron may be on our team. Perhaps Efron will grow tired of having Hudgens as his beard; seeing as those nude photos of her proved she likes her hair growth down there on the unruly side, and that could get itchy.
#3 Jennifer Lopez and Marc Anthony Rumors are swirling that the marriage between J-Lo and M-Corpse is on the rocks, even though they were recently sighted on the red carpet together at The Golden Globes! Of note, Lopez was not wearing her wedding ring at the star-studded ceremony – hmm, how do these rumors get started? I really hope that the reasoning for the possible dissolution isn’t because Lopez doesn’t see enough of Anthony. If it is, all he has to do is stop turning sideways, and then she’ll see more of him. He’s so thin!
#2 Mariah Carey and Nick Cannon The marriage between the high octave pop diva and the rapper/actor (so versatile!) breaks down to a numbers game, in terms of its staying power. Carey is Cannon’s senior with an 11 year age difference between the love birds. The two wed after only six weeks of dating! Six weeks? That’s fast, even with the tired lesbian stereotype of jumping into a relationship quickly being applied to their marital status – and they didn’t even register with U-Haul or Home Depot!
#1 Hugh Hefner and Karissa and Kristina Shannon Call me crazy, but I think that octogenarian Hef’s new 19-year-old twin Playboy Playmate girlfriends may just be using the old guy to be on the next season of “The Girls Next Door.” So would that make him a sugar great grandfather? It also begs the mathematical question of how many times 19 will let 83 go into it. You do the math, and remember to carry the Viagra – Hef does!
Four Better #4 Tyra Banks and herself While technically not a bonafide couple, per se, Tyra Banks seems to be sooo in love with herself that she does actually constitute as a couple. As demonstrated on “America’s Next Top Model” and her talk show, “The Tyra Banks Show,” where every sentence begins with an “I” and all of the stories guests share seem to revolve back to Banks.
#3 Reese Witherspoon and Jake Gyllenhaal Reese and Jake (we’re tight) definitely have taken the down low approach to their pairing, which began in April of 2007, with a few public dates here and there. It seems like they are the stay-at-home-and-cuddle type, and if one of their big screen TV’s happens to go on the fritz – they can do shadow puppets on her rather large forehead. I kid because I love.
#2 Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt The relationship between these “stars” will remain in tact if: (A) The hypnosis that Pratt employs over Montag never wears off. (B) Montag doesn’t feel betrayed by Pratt when he introduces a line of douche products. (C) If it’s scripted. (D) All of the above applies here, and my condolences to the trees that die in vain to give these two press.
#1 Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt If some people stay together for the sake of the kids, then this Hollywood power couple will be together for a very long time! They have become less Mr. and Mrs. Smith and more Mr. and Mrs. Brady of “The Brady Bunch” with their large brood – all they need is Ann B. Davis in the middle square to complete this image. As it stands, they remain the picture perfect embodiment of a celebrity couple at its finest.
Cut. Print. That’s A Wrap!
While some celebrity love affairs come and go, one that can always be counted on for its endurance is the longstanding affair between Richard Simmons and those dolphin shorts. Ack! I hope he’s been washing them all these years! Talk about sweatin’ to the oldies. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.
This column was first printed in February 2009.