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Gaywatch: Let’s Talk About “Sex”

Gaywatch: Let’s Talk About “Sex”

By Tim Parks

 When I was a little boy (yes, I can remember back that far), a “Schoolhouse Rock!” song led me to believe that “Three is a Magic Number.” As a gay man (notice I didn’t say adult), I came to realize that actually four is really the magic number. And before your mind drifts into the gutter, I am speaking in terms of female TV characters for the gays to cherish over the years, which seem to travel in this numerical pack.

What started off this trend was a group of “Girls” so “Golden” in their senior years, proving age was just a number, and signaling there was no reason to stick a fork in them and proclaim them done, as a viable outlet for entertainment (although Blanche may have enjoyed that!).

When this women-of-a-certain-age comedy became must-she TV, it laid out the prototype of shows revolving around four women who were, in turn: outspoken, promiscuous, sharp-tongued and naïve.

The following year, with that blueprint firmly in place, the ladies of Sugarbakers were “Women” who went about “Designing” their own niche in the annals (I said annals!) of television comedy.   

And in later years, a group of “Housewives” were “Desperate” to fill both a timeslot on Sundays at 9pm, and a void left by four New Yorkers who had plenty of “Sex” in their particular “City.” Carrie Bradshaw, Samantha Jones, Miranda Hobbes, and Charlotte York were the pen ultimate foursome for gay men, and now they are returning (it is so hard to type and clap at the same time!)    

Sexy Time

May 30th should be proclaimed a national gay holiday, as Sex and the City: the Movie, leaps from the small screen to the big one – a feat almost as big as the flower Carrie (Sarah Jessica Parker) is seen sporting in the trailer! Why is that jump from small to large akin to something Herculean in nature, you might ask?

 Well, considering very few television shows ever get the Cineplex treatment (save for “The X-Files,” back in 1998 while the show was still on the air), most TV shows made into full-length features come about years later in the form of updates/parodies of their original small screen counterparts, with cameos from the stars of the original projects.

Thank God, we didn’t have to see Dakota Fanning, circa 2027, trying to fill Carrie’s Manolo Blahniks, with the fabulous SJP doing a cameo as “Grandma,” or some such rot.

But, after six seasons of air time, and many plotlines that were explored during their television tenure…I can’t help but wonder – what avenues are left for Carrie and company to strut down?

“Do I strut? Am I a strutter?” Carrie asked her friends in the Season Four episode, “The Real Me,” and if you’ve seen the trailer, that answer is a resounding yes, as there is still reason to be excited to see the ladies’ further exploits, and plenty more patented struts, pouts and puttin’ out to be had.

SPOILER ALERT! Gee, like the trailer hasn’t already been one big spoiler!  

The big (pun intended) crux of the movie’s plotline revolves around singleton Carrie marrying Mr. Big (Chris Noth), and that his real name is John James Preston. You mean his last real name wasn’t Big? Why would they call him that for all of those years then? Oh…I get it! I believe congratulations are in order for Carrie, aside from the nuptials.  

Anyhoo…Charlotte (Kristin Davis) is finally with child, Miranda (Cynthia Nixon) gets cheated on by Steve (David Eigenberg), and Samantha (Kim Cattrall) is still a man eater with a biting wit. Dreamgirl Jennifer Hudson is also aboard as, Louise, Carrie’s assistant.   

So, after four years away from the quartet, and Cattrall’s much publicized hold out on doing the movie, we can all breathe a collective sigh of relief, raise an imaginary cosmopolitan to the heavens to celebrate the fact that we have the chance to catch up with the fab four.           

Sex Sells

Call it coincidental or a literal cheap way to cash in on the upcoming flick – but did you hear about the new “Sarah Jessica Porkher” blow-up doll?

Well, if you haven’t, and you have a mere $20 to blow (blow being the key word), you can purchase this X-rated version of Sarah Jessica Parker. According to the box, she loves “Big,” has “3 fabulous love holes” to choose from, and, ahem, “loves sex in her sh**tty,” which explains the extra love hole. By the way, suck on that, Maxim magazine, for naming SJP “the unsexiest woman alive!” They don’t make a blow up doll of just anybody, so there! Wait a minute! Is that really a compliment?  

That got me thinking (uh oh, always a dicey prospect) about ways that the movie will be handled, via the merchandising blitz that accompanies most films.

I was surprised that Kim Cattrall’s Samantha wasn’t tapped as a blow-up doll. Then again, it would need so many holes in it, to satiate Samantha’s sexual wants; it would be nothing more than a glorified pincushion.

Perhaps, instead, they could do a tie-in with Sara Lee and do a Samantha Jones Pound Cake? Nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee, and there were plenty of men that Samantha liked, and vice versa! And on the opposite end of the spectrum, Kristin Davis’ Charlotte would make for a delightful angel food cake tie-in. Wow! Check my pulse, I was nice.       

Sometimes, hamburger chains do movie tie-ins – and who wouldn’t want to chow down on a Cynthia Nixon fish filet sandwich? I know, it’s wrong, but yet, it’s so right.

Sex Education

I am excited to see what quotes from the upcoming movie I can utilize in every day speak, as the television version gave me plenty of verbal ammunition.

What did we learn through the dialogue spoken by the actresses from the six seasons of “Sex and the City?”

Well, for starters, SJP had a bevy of them, such as “a squirrel is just a rat with a cuter outfit,” and “if you’re tired you take a ‘nappa,’ you don’t move to Napa.” And after I recently moved (not to Napa) and found one half-empty bottle of lotion (no, not that kind) I had moved from one house to another, I wondered if I was “some sort of crazy bag man,” like Carrie accused Aidan of being, regarding his penchant for holding onto partially used Speed Stick deodorants.

I will never look at ordering French fries the same way again, always mindful that, as Miranda suggested when Charlotte professed to suffering from vulvadinia (a depressed vagina), that maybe her “hmmm hmmm would like an order of fries?”

Whenever I wander into a bookstore, I always call out, “Travel! Travel?” if I stumble into the Self-Help aisle, or “Self-Hell” aisle, as it became known as for Charlotte. 

But, the biggest lesson through “Sex,” of course comes from Samantha with her proclamation that, “I will wear whatever and blow whomever I want, as long as I can breathe and kneel.” Amen, sister!

 Cut! Print! That’s A Wrap!

If not for Sarah Jessica Parker’s portrayal of a columnist on “Sex and the City,” perhaps I would not have been inspired to finally take the leap and write a column of my own. Please don’t send her any hate mail, it’s not her fault!

As the old saying goes, “write what you know,” but since I didn’t want to step on Carrie’s toes, I decided I should, instead, write about pop culture. 

As a matter of fact, my very first “Gaywatch” was all about what the gals of “Sex and the City” had been up to career-wise, and if the movie would ever see the light of day.

And, now that day has come, and there is already talk of a sequel or possible trilogy.

If the powers-that-be at HBO Films were smart, they’d film the movies back-to-back (like the Lord of the Rings movies, but with better accessories), just to ensure that all four cast members were involved, and that they wouldn’t be drinking Prune-tini’s instead of cosmo’s, by the time they got around to the rest of the films. I’m just sayin’! Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print!     

This article was first published in April of 2008.

About timparksmediaho

I am a self professed Media Ho, which is the nicer version of being a Media Whore. My mother actually inspired me to come up with the term

One response to “Gaywatch: Let’s Talk About “Sex”

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