Hollywood: Reality show titles need a reality check
Now that Americans has crowned a new Idol, the Stars have finished their dancing and Donald Trump has chosen one Celebrity to be his bitch, I mean, apprentice – we are left with a not-so-fresh batch of reality-driven programs for the summer months.
And, that finds me pondering just what it takes to be considered a “star” or “celebrity,” and if the criteria for being a contestant on “Dancing with the Stars” is a producer saying, “This one’s got a pulse – sign ’em up.”
I know that “Dancing with a well-known semi-famous personality” doesn’t exactly roll off the tongue.
But it seems more apropos of the show’s insistence at throwing the term “star” around haphazardly like Mischa Barton’s recent announcement that she wants to perform Shakespeare.
Honey, you’d be lucky if the only type of roll you get is of the eating variety hurled at you by disgruntled dinner theater audience members!
Whoops – did I digress?
Sorry for the diatribe, obviously the misuse of those terms gets stuck in my craw – what exactly is a craw and why do things get stuck in it? Uh oh! There I go again.
So, without further adieu, here are some shows that are peopled with the clocks ticking on their 15 minutes of fame.
“I’m a Celebrity…Get Me Out of Here!” (must stay strong) has contestants being dropped into the jungle, and fighting for their very survival while a film crew looks on. I hope they’ll be o.k.
Here’s a fingers crossed that the chutes won’t open for Heidi Montag and Spencer Pratt! Good luck with that second career as rapper “The Great White!” Notice he left “Hope” off his new moniker – good choice there, big dawg.
Janice Dickinson didn’t need to get her shots for the trip; she’s already got enough botulism in her face from Botox for it not to matter if she catches some rare form of a jungle disease.
Of course, there’s a Baldwin on board – in this case, Stephen…how did he clear his schedule?
And what a coup…they got Sanjaya to partake! Yes the same “American Idol” cast-off who was declared a “superstar of reality” during the recent “A-List Awards” on Bravo. Superstar? Really!? Guess I didn’t get the memo on that one!
The premise behind “New York Goes to Work” is that America votes on what menial labor Tiffany Pollard (AKA “New York”) has to perform. Can obscurity be added to her potential duties?
Too bad this “Flavor of Love”/”I Love New York”/“New York Goes to Hollywood” reality sensation didn’t have the show simply called “New York’s Jobs.”
Because I am sure there is one she’s very good at performing, it begins with a b and ends with a w – how else can you explain her ability at getting so many TV shows?
Hopefully, Bret Michaels is getting a cut of the profits from another spin off from a spin off of his incessant quest for love.
Wishful thinking, he probably gets along fine by Scotch Guarding his bandanas from any “liquids” being spilled on them during filming of his reality show(s). Pus from a “cold sore” doesn’t count as a liquid, and I was referring to alcohol, naturally.
Anyhoo, a cast-off from one such incarnation of “Rock of Love” (season eighteen, I believe) Daisy “I put the Ho in” De La Hoya has a “new” series called – drum roll please – “Daisy of Love.”
Even more surprisingly, male participants with nicknames like “Big Rig” and “Tool Box” (I don’t get it) actually want a chance to woo this gal who looks to be at least 90% plastic. Hope they brought their instruction manuals, as some assembly is required if only to seal the Grand Canyon-like opening between her legs!
Double The Pleasure, Double The Guilt
I have to confess that I will be watching two reality shows this summer.
Hey, I’ve gotta find some kind of TV joy, since I can’t gleefully yell at Patricia Wettig’s character, Holly Harper, to use some DentuGrip on “Brothers & Sisters” until fall!
One is “Charm School with Ricki Lake,” even though I detest “Rock of Love Bus,” one of the shows it emanates from.
But what’s not to love about a house full of drunk girls that drink, fight, drink, back-stab, drink and drink? Oh, did I mention they like to get drunk while trying to, ahem, “better themselves?”
Plus, if Head Mistress Lake gains all her weight back, she’d make a great Mrs. Garrett-type for these gals that could actually teach her a course or forty about “The Facts Of Life.” They’re a tad bit slutty, I’m just sayin’.
The other is “The Real Housewives of New Jersey” on Bravo – you mean VH1 doesn’t have the lock on been-there-done-that television programming? New Jersey, eh? What was Rhode Island not chic enough to merit its own series? Harumph!
Cut.Print.That’s A Wrap!
By the way, powers-that-be at ABC, you might want to seriously reconsider a name change along the lines of “Limping with the Career Impaired,” since there were so many injuries this season.
Wait a minute! Perhaps some of the possible contestants for next season could include all present/future participants for any “Flavor of Love” or “Rock of Love” incarnations. They could maim two birds with one stone at the very least! Problem solved.
Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.