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Hollywood Mystery Date: Celebrity Edition


Mystery Date: Celebrity Edition    By Tim Parks

Way back in the 1960s, the powers-that-be at Milton Bradley decided to market a game aimed for girls in the 6-14 age bracket. Sounds like it was a tailor made for the South, as those are the proper ages to get married there, right?

“Mystery Date” was designed to have these young ladies ready for a date by collecting color coded cards to assemble an ensemble, which was to match a date waiting behind the “mystery door.” For gay boys who played, that equated waiting by the “back door,” naturally.

After spinning the door handle (remember…you can’t get V.D. from that), the door was opened to see if there was a match for: a formal dance date, a bowling date, a beach date or a ski date.

Of course, players were encouraged to avoid the “dud date.” Thanks to the advent of online dating, it’s still a dilemma. No amount of color coordination can hide the fact that website dwellers think it’s o.k. to post their ultrasound picture with no one catching on.    

Modern day TV executives must have fond memories of this cardboard creation…how else can you explain the glut of reality dating shows clogging up the airwaves, like so many turds about to overflow onto your living room floor from filled to the rim programming toilet bowls. That paints a pretty picture, no?

I mean when you stop and think about it “Mystery Date” even has a wide reaching appeal for the parents of today worried that their teenaged daughter may end up on an episode of “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant,” after a game of “Spin the Pickle” goes horribly wrong!

Tangent time! How can you not know you are pregnant? What do these women think that they just had really big lunches for nine months or something? I’m done.  

Anyhoo, for celebrities it could serve as a useful tool in choosing the right date…seriously in the world of Hollywood, it couldn’t hurt!

So let’s have our famous participants come on down and play a little “Mystery Date: Celebrity Edition!” 

The Players and Playas

 Assembling the six women who will vie for the attentions of our three eligible bachelors was an easy feat; all I needed was a little required reading, courtesy of Us Magazine (alright, The National Enquirer – are you happy now?), to see who has recently endured a breakup and were single and ready to mingle- holla!

Susan Sarandon, Taylor Swift, Reese Witherspoon, Tila Tequila, Pam Anderson and Kate Hudson were contacted – and each answered with a resounding, “Um, I guess so?” That’s the spirit, ladies!

I felt that a challenge was in order in the area of their gentleman callers. Even though I am not from the simian family and my name is not George – I am often curious as to why certain actors and musicians like to play the field.

Not-so-surprisingly, Bradley Cooper took time out of his cat-and-mouse dating schedule with Renee Zellweger, as did serial dater John Mayer, to participate. And to make things interesting, Jake Gyllenhaal’s services were also enlisted. 

Who’s Zoomin’ Who?

 In keeping with the atypical Hollywood dating scene (and because of space constraint), the mystery daters were all sent together to The Roosevelt Hotel to meet up poolside for drinks and gorgeous little nibbly things.

In their sequestered cabana is a personalized version of “Mystery Date” on a table with individual envelopes for the gals, who swap war stories about their splits while waiting for the anonymous men to show up.

Taylor confides she was unsure if ex Taylor Lautner was calling out her name in bed or his, while Reese concurs that actors are fine to date, but not to marry. Kate looks longingly at a cocktail weenie and professes she misses A-Rod’s rod. Tila, who can’t decide between that nosh or sushi, asks Susan if she’s worried about dating “at her age.” This sends Louise into a rage and she throws the bisexual pixie into the pool.

Luckily, Pam can technically serve as a floatation device and channels her “Baywatch” character to save her from drowning. While performing mouth-to-mouth, Tila slips Pam the tongue.

However, tempers subside as our bachelors arrive, each wearing a particular colored shirt.

Reese breaks into such a flop sweat at seeing Jake that Tila mops up her huge brow with a Shamwow, which she keeps in her purse for “sticky” dating situations.

Hellos are muttered, eye contact made and the game begins…

Tila is up first and decides to turn the door knob with her vajayjay, the other players are disgusted (except for John) and the women rip open their envelopes.

Susan holds up a green card, meaning she is paired with Bradley in the hopes that a cougar can tame this savage dating beast. Taylor and John are connected together by the color red, and the fact that they have music in common. Taylor also has a pulse, which is good enough for John.

The biggest surprise comes when Reese reveals her blue card and Jakes promises not to pressure her to get married. Ah! The gang’s all together again.

Tila holds the dud date card and a grudge that Pam won’t get a room with her. Kate ends up in the cabana alone, as the “Mystery Date” concludes and slips the leftover cocktail weenies in her pants pocket for the lonely night ahead. 

Cut! Print! That’s A Wrap!

 I feel like I learned something here today. No, it wasn’t that love can make the unlikeliest of bedfellows into, well, bedfellows. I thought you couldn’t get V.D. from a doorknob – guess so if Tila Tequila plays “Mystery Date.” Stupid hygiene film that lied to me in 8th grade! Guess it’s my fault, really. I should have had it Scotch Guarded, and that’s one to grow on. Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print. 

This article was first published in February 2010

About timparksmediaho

I am a self professed Media Ho, which is the nicer version of being a Media Whore. My mother actually inspired me to come up with the term

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