Hollywood: I Was A Fugitive From The Velvet Mafia
Something you might not know about me is that I was once a member of the long defunct boyband BFF (Best Feet Forward) in the very late ’80s.
Any group of that nature needs a pretty boy, a rebel, a fat one (or Fatone, as they are commonly known); it is also dictated by boy band law that one member must be hiding a secret.
Many of you may have already guessed, I was the pretty one – the one hiding the secret was Toby Markowitz! He had changed his name to “Toenail” and nobody was the wiser.
I also flew under the secrets radar with my sexuality, or so I thought. I apparently caught the eye of mogul David Geffen and was introduced into the echelon of the music industry, known as The Gay Mafia or by its AKA…The Velvet Mafia.
I didn’t commit any crimes, but did my time and thought I had emerged unscathed for the most part, until…I was recently made an offer I couldn’t refuse (Really?! You didn’t see that coming a mile away?).
I had to join the ranks once more and two-fold. Geffen’s, ahem, position as leader was being threatened and lesbians were becoming self-aware…wait, the last part is from the Terminator series.
The Denim Mafia was looking to side up with a mysterious figure that wanted to usurp the Gayfather’s long-standing power. I’ll admit I was a little bit flattered (and terrified) that he remembered me at all, and I have the bad knees to prove it! Not like that! The last time I encountered him I ran off and tripped, gutter minds!
Operation “Drop Those Denims” recruited me and I poured over the intelligence reports with Lance “Asstronaut” Bass at his apartment. It was safe, as no one dropped by very often, according to him.
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Elton John is known as “The Velveteen Rabbit,” for his fondness of wearing the material shaved off of stuffed animals from the children’s book by Margery Williams. Very Cruella Deville of him, really!
They also kept mentioning his love of going into holes…
Of note, John has been trotted out to perform with various musical acts over the years, most notably with Eminem, as a subliminal reminder of The Velvet Mafia’s hold over The Mainstream. Just freeze frame the performance at the 2001 Grammys – is that a gun under John’s piano, or was he just glad to see Marshall?
George Michael was nicknamed “The Bushwhacker,” for his innate ability to not only get down in the dirt and choose to cruise; Michael also came up with a foot tapping code that worked effectively in bathrooms. The acoustics were just better in there, I guess.
Andy Bell, Neil Tennant, Chris Lowe and Jimmy Somerville are referred to those in the know as “The Four Englishmen of the Apocalypse.” The quartet combine to torture with a high falsetto pitch (Bell and Somerville) to make ears bleed, while Tennant then talks to you in a monotone voice and Lowe says nothing at all. Not-so-surprisingly, Lowe’s approach seems to be most effective against those in bad relationships, amid pleas of “Why won’t you just talk to me?”
Boy George (he doesn’t get another nickname – Hello! Boy isn’t his real first name) was recently reinstated, despite his much-publicized attempt to torture a lesbian purchased gun-for-hire male escort. Darren “The Sandman” Hayes is noted for his musical lullabies putting people to sleep…forever.
Newcomers include: Rufus “The Piano Man” Wainwright, who knows how to tickle the ivories and use piano wire in “self defense.” Scissor Sisters frontman Jake “The Cutter” Shears works in tandem with Ari “Abs of Death” Gold, who knows how to rub someone out on his six pack; especially when they confuse him with Jeremy Piven’s character on “Entourage.” Nobody wants that.
However, The Velvet Mafia knew they desired Adam “The Hedgehog” Lambert and his deadly/overly-producted hair spikes.
We then moved onto a quick overview of our known enemies and one-time allies…
Melissa “Big Mama” Etheridge had emerged as an obvious choice for a leadership role – who doesn’t like her? The Indigo Girls were reincarnated as “Tag Team” and their sneak-up-on-you-in-silence approach (they crafted Birkenstock cozies, which helps in being stealthy) is followed by the battle cry of “Whoomp! (There It Is!)” and a prolonged whistle solo. “kick dick” lang’s (so that’s what her initials stand for!) prowess is pretty self-explanatory. Joan “Blackheart” Jett has been known to pull a Mola Ram from Indiana Jones and the Temple of Doom and yank the hearts out of those who’ve done her wrong – is she single?
“Kittens with whips” Le Tigre often pair up with “Sister Act” Tegan & Sara to bring on a world of hurt, while newest bisexual inductee Lady GaGa sometimes joins in on a man-centric caper and sometimes doesn’t.
The Dramatic Conclusion
A foot tap outside the door made us look warily towards it, as a sequence of code began. At first, we thought it was Clay Aiken back for another round of begging and pleading to be included. No means no, Clay!
The former ’N Syncer informed me it was our mole, Kevin Cronin from REO Speedwagon, back from infiltrating the Denim camp, as he now resembles an older lesbian gal and owed Geffen a favor.
We opened the door, as he crumpled to the floor a piece of paper fell out of his hand with a single word scrawled across it:
Kicking the TimeLife infomercial spokeswoman, oops, spokesman out into the hallway, a tiny shadow became noticeable. He was here, allegedly queer and wanted us to get used to it. Bass and I fainted in tandem and that’s all I remember, as I awoke in my very own bed. It was all a dream! Or was it? I had to ask myself that very question as I discovered a Chihuahua head on the pillow next to me. Ay Carumba!
This article was first published in March 2010