Hollywood: April Fools Celebrity Predictions
Predicting the wacky world of celebrities could only be done in the vain of April Fools Day!
Trust me you’d have to have a sizeable crystal ball, more than a handful of tarot cards, and the combined clairvoyant talents of Dionne Warwick, plus all her psychic friends, to even come close to an accurate guess on who’s going to make a startling move into the spotlight and by what means.
I mean who in their wildest dreams could have predicted that Clay Aiken was gay and would come out publicly last year? Yeah, didn’t see that one comin’.
So plant your tongue firmly in your (ahem) cheek, as we do some good natured ribbing (for her pleasure) at which celebs could be making headlines this year.
The Tween Scene
Madonna will be going the full cougar route, deciding that current boy toy 22-year-old Jesus Luz is far too old for her.
She sets her 50-year-old eyes and sexual prowess on tween sensations The Jonas Brothers.
After an illuminating evening of discussing musical longevity (no more 3-D movies, ok Jo Bros?) and proper eyebrow upkeep for Lourdes, Madonna spikes their Kabbalah water and goes into like a de-virginizing mode and gets them all in one fail swoop.
Replacing the signature red string around her left wrist, Madge will now sport The Jonas Brothers’ sullied purity rings on a chain on said wrist, and begin partaking in a new religion – the Ancient Mayan practice of sacrificing virgins, in order to remain youthful. It’s cheaper than Botox, and is very effective in erasing annoying musical acts!
Speaking of the tween set, Miley Cyrus will suffer a head trauma and permanently become her alter ego Hannah Montana.
While this sounds good on paper, it will not curtail her bratty behavior (please I wish I had a used Porsche when I was 16, or even now!), forcing her bitch, I mean, father Billy Ray Cyrus to commit her permanently to a mental hospital – thus forcing Billy Ray to find another meal ticket, so sad.
Another pop star who suffered head trauma last year, Janet Jackson, will partake in an effort to make lemonade out of the lemons her cancelled “Rock Witchu” tour provided her with last year.
Miss Jackson (if you’re nasty) will land an endorsement deal with Excedrin, for a new line of aspirin that prevents vertigo-induced migraines called “Verti-No.”
Rather than let those pesky migraines that led to many of her shows being cancelled get the better of her, Jackson will bravely address the issue head-on – yes, that pun was intended.
At her side on the commercial shoot will be her boyfriend/producer Jermaine Dupri, and it will be revealed he is the cause of Jackson’s vertigo, since she spends much of her time looking down at him due to his diminutive stature.
In other related Jackson concert news, Michael’s “This Is It” UK comeback tour dates will prove to be successful, and show that the beleaguered King of Pop isn’t completely out of touch with the world-at-large.
Jackson will extend a kids-under-12-get-in-for-free policy, due to these troubling economic times. Hey! Wait a minute!
Meanwhile, Britney Spears will repeat history by falling for someone on her “Circus” tour.
Don’t worry; it’s not a back-up dancer with delusions of becoming the next Vanilla Ice, rather a contortionist with gainful employment year ’round as part of a real circus.
The relationship will be smooth sailing for months after her tour, with the pop princess proclaiming that sexual relations between the two are “better than Cheetos and fried Twinkies put together!”
You can take the girl out of the south, but you can’t take the south out of the girl y’all.
Alas, the relationship will hit a bigger snag than her recent wardrobe malfunction, and no, her p***y won’t be left hangin’ out, as Britney delicately put it. But the jury will remain out on that subject for months afterwards, as he was a contortionist after all!
Anyhoo, the flexible guy the media dubs as “G-Umby,” dumps Brit Brit, after Kirstie Alley joins his traveling troupe as the new bearded fat lady.
And how does Alley achieve her 5 o’clock shadow? An unwashed face full of Ding Dong residue, which is why “G-Umby” falls head over heels over head for her.
He likes his goods damaged, and Spears will remain on her steady ascension away from bad behavior.
Figuring that Bret Michaels will once again not find love (No! Really?) on this season’s “Rock of Love Bus,” VH-1 has announced “Rock of Love: Free Clinic Parking Lot,” which will not only showcase the reality show’s, uh, versatility; but it will also be cost effective, as this is where they find most of their contestants.
The honchos at MTV are debating giving “Paris Hilton’s My New BFF” a second season – but are at a stalemate on the condition of coming up with a better grand prize this season.
Cut. Print. That’s A Wrap!
Oh, I knew I forgot one celebrity prediction – but he begs the question of if he really is a celebrity? Gossip monger Perez Hilton will invest in a mirror and forgo the microscope he holds celebrity behavior under. Hmm, that seems like sage advice – but I am just in the celebrity target practice for fun. April Fools? Until next time, that’s all of the news that’s fit to print.