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2009: Queer Year in Review

Queer Year In Review

by tim parks

I can’t believe 2009 is over – it seems like yesterday that Lindsay Lohan was a lesbian. Now she’s gone back over to the other team faster than you can say Anne Heche—guess she won’t be opening that bar/sauna The Clam Bake for former gal pal Samantha Ronson. 
Speaking of boobs, but in the singular and tube sense… there was a resurgence of “our kind” on the small screen with upwards of 30 LGBT characters on broadcast networks, while their pay channel counterparts included 68 for the 2009-2010 season. Shucks, they missed the magic number by one. 
While on the big screen—we needed Sherlock Holmes to bust out his magnifying glass to find out where we were hiding out cinematically. Records were literally being broken by musical artists that we have embraced without the need for a restraining order. No year would be complete without celebrities and their brand of shenanigans to keep us entertained and appalled.
Here’s your looksie…
It was very easy to spot this year’s “it” item for gay male couples. Clearly, the “gayby” showcased a pairing that is more secure than Paula Abdul’s job prospects. Modern Family partners Mitchell Pritchett and Cameron Tucker adopted daughter Lily, while Brothers & Sisters Kevin Walker and Scotty Wandell are contemplating fertilizing an egg.
In general, gay kids are all over the place. Family Guy creator Seth MacFarlane officially outed baby Stewie and we met Chris Colfer on Glee, who believes in method acting, if you get my drift. Better watch out Ugly Betty’s Justin Suarez—sounds like they are trying to double team you. Not like that!
The suburban mom on United States of Tara has multiple personalities, while her gay son Marshall grapples with his sole sexual identity.
As the old saying goes, a kiss is just a kiss and same-sex characters locked quite a few lips. Ella Simms planted a big ole wet one on Melissa Saxon on Melrose Place. While her network alum Ed Westwick (Chuck B-ass) shot down real-life gay rumors by engaging in an on-screen kiss with Josh Ellis on Gossip Girl.
Heroes’ new catchphrase should have been “Kissing the cheerleader will raise the ratings, right?” on the flagging superhero series. Hayden Panettiere went the college experimentation route and received a smackeroo from her roommate Madeline Zima. RuPaul asked a group of drag queens to “lip-sync for their lives” in order to partake in her Drag Race on LOGO. If they failed the ladies had to “sashay away.” Are you relieved that Shannel didn’t take home the trophy? A-nnoying!
CBS had the usual token gays on Big Brother and The Amazing Race, and we queers didn’t fare too bad. Kevin Campbell came in third on the former, while gay brothers Dan and Sam McMillen proved sisters were doin’ it for themselves by placing second on the latter. I’ll assume Survivor: Samoa contestant Shannon Waters goes by the nickname Shambo, because her mullet resembles Sylvester Stallone’s in Rambo.
 Sometimes being runner-up is better than winning the actual prize. Just look at American Idol’s Adam Lambert. He’s already generating controversy with his American Music Awards performance. He kissed Kristen Stewart of Twilight fame on-camera…big whoop. Oh, that was his male guitarist? I now see why she is playing Joan Jett in The Runaways biopic.
While I am glad that someone finally got my memo at VH1 that Divas Live should be resurrected, I’m not quite sure that they understood what the term means. The lineup they assembled for this version had two potentials (Kelly Clarkson and Jennifer Hudson), but Miley Cyrus? WTF? That was more like “Divas Lite!”
Pink flicks devoted screen time to “the gays,” which seemed prevalent in the hotter months, while cooler ones showed us Colin Firth as A Single Man.   
The Informers was termed a celluloid “soap opera from hell” by critic Roger Ebert. I thought late balcony-goer Gene Siskel was the bitchy one. Hey! How did they come up with their trademarked “Thumbs Up/Down” ratings systems, anyway?
Well-known vampire Robert Pattinson looked for something else to, well, suck on in Little Ashes. The documentary Outrage threw the closet door wide open on Republicans who prefer not to be called politic-mos.   Sacha Baron Cohen’s Brüno got more than its fair share of panties twisted into a wad—was it pro-gay or homophobic?
His flamboyant Austrian creation made me throw my back out with laughter, so either I found it funny or I’m starting to get up there in age. Director Ang Lee’s Taking Woodstock told the story of homosexual Elliot Tiber; whose family farm was the location for the infamous music love-in. Plus, Liev Schreiber was “giddy” to portray a drag queen that resembled Courtney Love on a good day.
Lady GaGa provided her fan base with a great opening line with “I wanna take a ride on your disco stick.” Now there’s a “Love Game” I can get in front of.
I guess crazy Britney is sooo 2000 late (thanks, Fergie!), cuz her single “Circus” helped her achieve back-to-back Number One hits on the charts.
And 2008’s “Womanizer” was the highest jumpin’ single, until Kelly Clarkson came along with “My Life Would Suck Without You” and went from 97 to numero uno in one week.
The Black Eyed Peas’ “Boom Boom Pow” spent a whoppin’ 12 weeks (that’s like three months or somethin’!) in the top spot, until their second single “I Gotta Feeling” dropped them to number two, which was top dawg for 14 consecutive weeks. Must suck to be them.
Mariah Carey’s Memoirs of an Imperfect Angel undersold her E=MC2 (squared). It also got her into a feud with rapper Eminem with her video for “Obsessed,” in which she dressed in a similar fashion as him. Oh…snap? Note to rappers everywhere…fighting with a woman does not help your street cred, ya got that Kanye and Chris? Word!
Whitney Houston’s I Look To You was the comeback fans were waiting for. It was great to see her perform, sans “crack towel,” on the AMAs. But disappointment abounds that she wasn’t nominated for a single Grammy, even though the release date of the LP was moved up to make that a possibility! For shame Grammys!  
This year’s celebrity behavior wasn’t as awkward as a family reunion for Mackenzie Phillips—TMI Mackenzie! Coming out had a theme this year. I’ll take “Actresses From The ’80s” for two thousand, Alex. Kelly McGillis of Top Gun made it clear that she was “done with men” in May. Now I understand why there wasn’t that chemistry with her co-star Tom Cruise. Yeah, right.
Family Ties mom Meredith Baxter let the world know that she is a late-in-life lesbian. My money was on Skippy being a mo.
I say that Jon and Kate Gosselin minus two would be the best thing that could happen to the world of entertainment. I’m glad that Heidi Montag’s Christian values didn’t stop her from appearing in Playboy. Next time, she could do a spread with fellow zealot Carrie Prejean—oh wait, that wouldn’t happen.
She likes to “work” solo and up to eight times on film only. Hypocrites! Tiger Woods should become the poster boy for Prop 8—his mistress count is getting close to double digits…but, it’s bad for our community to marry one another. Puhleezagibbons!
You go Chaz Bono for being true to yourself and deciding to have gender reassignment surgery—an addadictomy, I believe it’s called.
In Memoriam
I don’t think anyone will ever forget June 25th! Not only did we lose a King, but hours earlier an Angel passed as well. Of course I’m speaking of the tragic deaths of Michael Jackson and Farrah Fawcett.
Late filmmaker John Hughes’ oeuvre, such as Sixteen Candles and The Breakfast Club, spoke to the outcast in all of us.

Entertaining Things To Look Forward To in 2010
You don’t need a crystal ball to predict that certain pop culture events happening this year will have LGBT audiences sitting on the edge of their couches or theater seats. Trust me, it’s easier to make a New Year’s resolution to watch the new season of The Bad Girls Club (or drunk chicks in a house, as I like to call it) than it is to lose weight or other healthy alternatives. Here are some events, which will please your eyes and ears in the coming year.
The Tube
Ellen DeGeneres takes over her judging duties on American Idol during “Hollywood Week” in February and the show utilizes guest judges like Kristin Chenoweth, Neil Patrick Harris, Mary J. Blige, Katy Perry and Posh Spice to fill in the weeks leading up to her debut. I am surprised that So You Think You Can Dance didn’t snap her up way before Idol thought about doing so. Go figure.  
Season Two of RuPaul’s Drag Race kicks off its high heel high jinks in February, while The L Word will be resurrected as the reality show The Real L Word: Los Angeles for Showtime and follows six lesbians going about their day-to-day lives. Its air date is yet-to-be-announced. Bravo keeps churning out new seasons of its Real Housewives franchise.
Thank God! The network recently began production on New York City, renewed New Jersey for a second season , and greenlit a DC version. The best news is…or do you need your smelling salts, first? All three will be airing in 2010— talk about a gay trifecta!
The Jim Carrey and Ewan McGregor gay prisoner flick I Love You Phillip Morris will receive a limited release on February 5. The movie was fraught with controversy over a graphic sex scene in its first ten minutes, while it was said that the project was headed, uh, straight-to-DVD because of it. Looks like it was granted a pardon and won’t be stuck in the hole—but, that would certainly have been a case of full circle, no? 
The phrase “highly anticipated” seems to be written in every story about the forthcoming Sex And The City sequel. And, it seems as though there are as many casting and plotline rumors floating about, as there were men who Samantha had relations with on the show whence it came.
Spoiler Alert!
Here’s what this intrepid reporter knows for sure. How the gals (Sarah Jessica Parker, Kim Cattrall, Cynthia Nixon and Kristin Davis) met will finally be revealed—and from the pictures of Cattrall’s ode to big hair heavy metal bands of the 1980s, we have her to thank for global warming.
A plotline will involve the quartet traveling to Morocco; Tim Gunn of Project Runway is slated to make a cameo as himself, as is Miley Cyrus, who shows up at a film premiere in the same outfit as Samantha. I’m hopeful of a good ole Dynasty-style catfight! 
Now, rumors have it that…Samantha may marry ex-boyfriend Smith Jerrod (Jason Lewis), and that Stanford Blatch (Willie Garson) and Anthony Marentino (Mario Cantone) will also wed. Liza Minnelli will reportedly perform at their nuptuals and sing “Single Ladies” by Beyoncé, I don’t think gay marriage gets any gayer than that! Opens on May 28, 2010, like you already didn’t know that!  
Music Makes
The People Come Together
Even though she just released her Number Ones CD, Janet Jackson is said to be prepping her eleventh studio album for release this year. Christina Aguilera is also going the TBA route with her upcoming effort Light & Darkness. Hopefully, Jennifer Lopez can kick it like it’s 1999 with her release of Love? in February.
The White Party, which is an annual celebration of a musical nature, will take place on April 9-12 at host hotel the Wyndham Resort in Palm Springs. The talent pool (as well as the multitude of pool parties) sparkles with acts that are both global and US-based with DJs such as: Spain’s Chus+Ceballos, the UK’s Moto Blanco and Wayne G. While Manny Lehman, Tony Moran, Brett Henrichsen, Joe Gauthreaux and The Freemasons represent the very best mixes the States has to offer.

About timparksmediaho

I am a self professed Media Ho, which is the nicer version of being a Media Whore. My mother actually inspired me to come up with the term

2 responses to “2009: Queer Year in Review

  1. This blog has so much good information in it that i could spend all week reading it.

    • timparksmediaho ⋅

      That, aside from someone comparing me to Carrie Bradshaw of ‘Sex and the City’ for my column ‘Gaywatch,’ is one of the nicest compliments I have gotten about my writing. Thanks for enjoying it 🙂

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